The American Astronaut (2001)

Directed By: Cory McAbee


Starring: Cory McAbee, Rocco Sisto, Gregory Russell Cook


The Main Review: The American Astronaut is a 2001 sci-fi-western-musical featuring the music of The Billy Nayer Show. It follows Samuel Curtis (Cory McAbee), an inter-planetary trader, who is asked by his acquaintance, the Blueberry Pirate, to return a dead man on Venus to his family on Earth. Before he can do that, Samuel has to ride around in his spaceship with a Real Live Girl, The Boy Who Actually Saw a Woman's Breast, a boy in a bodysuit, and some truly fantastic and bizarre music. All the while, he's followed by his crazy, obsessed nemesis Professor Hess (Rocco Sisto). And, guess what day it is! It's the professor's birthday!

 Yeah, this is the most normal movie I've ever seen. Total normalcy - right here. Check it. 

So, the opening is Professor Hess telling us about the bar on the asteroid Ceres, onto which our hero will soon be landing and doing business. (Also, there's a dance contest there that night!) Curtis is shown arriving with a cat that he trades to the owner of the bar for a Real Live Girl in a cloning device (Please note: the Real Live Girl is in, basically, a box and needs to be grown and raised before she can really do anything). The bar owner tells Curtis to stay for the dance contest, which he agrees to. He then goes to the bathroom, gets sung at by two men sent by the Blueberry Pirate, who take his picture while he's on the toilet.

Curtis is kind of thrown by that experience for a little while, but, when he realizes it was his old friend Larry Blueberry who had that picture taken, he seems to forgive the whole incident. The Blueberry Pirate, who is a galactic fruit thief, tells him that the Women of Venus recently lost their King and his family on Earth want him back. To get the man's body back, a new, young man must be provided for the women. The Blueberry Pirates suggests that Curtis trade the Real Live Girl for The Boy Who Actually Saw a Woman's Breast - who is currently living on the mining planet of Jupiter and boosting morale by giving terse descriptions of of his famous titular experience. From there, he can take The Boy to Venus, retrieve the dead king, and collect a handsome reward. Curtis agrees and he and the Blueberry Pirate pair up for the dance contest, which they win.

Professor Hess was at the Ceres bar as well and spotted Curtis. Once our hero leaves, Hess confronts the Blueberry Pirate in the bathroom, tells him it's his birthday, then kills him. He goes on to kill everyone else in the bar, except for the cat, and then goes out after Curtis.

Samuel Curtis gets to Jupiter and sees The Boy Who Actually Saw a Woman's Breast perform. He trades the Real Live Girl for The Boy and leaves the planet. Professor Hess comes soon after and, once again, kills everyone, taking the Real Live Girl. He sings a party song and then leaves. He calls Curtis on the phone and has him listen while he feeds the Real Live Girl to the cat he got from the bar. Curtis later explains to The Boy that Professor Hess kills for no reason. If he has an actual reason to kill someone, he can't do it because it would leave an issue unresolved.

The two of them stop off in a barn that's just floating around in space. A group of mutated farmers are living there with a boy they raised (poorly) who they just call Bodysuit. In exchange for some cigarettes and chocolate, Curtis agrees to take Bodysuit to Earth.

Here's Where It Gets Spoilerific: They make it to Venus. Curtis sings Cloris - the apparent queen of Venus - a song about a woman with a vagina, but notices that Professor Hess is there. He figures that Hess wants to kill The Boy Who Actually Saw a Woman's Breast, so he swaps Bodysuit for the dead man instead. The Women of Venus just love Bodysuit, despite his disorderly conduct and foul smell, and Professor Hess meets someone he has every reason to kill. He vows to be Bodysuit's father and raise him into a good man, so he can kill him. Curtis and The Boy take off together.

Scenes To Watch Out For: The Hurts Donut joke. 


The Boy's performance of "A". And really, all of the songs in this are phenomenal. "Hey Boy" and "The Girl With The Vagina Made of Glass" are two more of the really stunning performances. And "Party."


Anything Else: This movie is shot so interestingly. The lighting is brilliant. And, as I've already said, the music is really great. While this movie might be so bizarre there isn't a word weird enough to cover it, it's really fantastic and (if you can find a copy) it should be watched.  

In Sickness and In Health (2008)

Directed By: John Landis


Starring: Maggie Lawson, John Roday


The Main Review: In Sickness and In Health was an 2008 episode in Fear Itself, an NBC horror anthology series. It follows Samantha on her wedding day. She's marrying Carlos, who she loves despite having known him a short amount of time. Many people think she's rushing the wedding  - her brother, Steven, isn't even attending. One of her bridesmaids gives her a note that the priest entrusted to her after receiving it, himself, from a woman in a red headscarf. The letter tells her something truly disturbing about her betrothed. And, she spends the rest of the movie freaking out and telling everyone to forget that she ever even got a note.

But, of course, it can't be that simple! There has to be some sort of twist.

Samantha marries Carlos despite this letter but avoids the hell out of him and acts really wigged out around her bridesmaids. Of course, there are tons of scenes where Carlos acts suspicious and creepy. After getting shouted out by one of the bridesmaids, Carlos starts to make a scene at their wedding reception. Samantha offers to talk to him, so they go inside the creepy Catholic church. 

Here's Where It Gets Spoilerific: Carlos inquires after the note and Samantha really doesn't want to share it's contents. She is noticeably afraid of him and he spooks her some more until she's hides in a confessional. At this point, it seems as though there really may be no twist to the movie and Carlos may actually be a serial killer. Either that or a jerk. So, he sits on the other side and does admit to... going out with another woman while they were together, believing that's what the letter told his wife. Oh, wait, he's not a serial killer?

But, Samantha totally is. We see that the woman in a red headscarf is her brother, Steven. We get a good look at Sam and Steven's shared home, which is full of dead bodies and heads in jars, Samantha tells her husband that the note wasn't intended for her but for him. Carlos asks Sam to, one day, tell him what the note said and Samantha responds with a creepy "Yes" and the film ends.

Scenes To Watch Out For: When Carlos notices that his wife is scared of him and, instead of trying to calm her down, tries to frighten her more by chasing her around an empty Church that has way too many statues of saints being killed.

Anything Else: Throughout this entire film I was, like, "She's the serial killer. It's her. It's gotta be her. It'd be so cool if she ended up being the serial killer." And, the minute I abandon this notion, she ends up being the serial killer. Well played, movie.

Raising Arizona (1987)

Directed By: Joel and Ethan Coen


Starring: Nicholas Cage, Holly Hunter, Trey Wilson


The Main Review: Raising Arizona, a 1987 film, is one of the first Coen Brother films made. It follows ex-con H.I McDunnough (Nick Cage) and his cop wife, Ed (Holly Hunter), as they try to make a family by stealing one of the Arizona's quintuplets. It's set in Arizona but all the characters have the darndest untraceable, Southern accents The film has one of the longest, albeit funniest, intros I have ever seen and is host to some very interesting characters. With it's clever shooting and wonderfully amusing dialogue, Raising Arizona is one fantastic, sweet, funny film.

And, really, guys, Nick Cage was super good in this.

Herbert I. "Hi" McDunnough is our protagonist and we're first introduced to him when he's getting his mug shot taken after sticking up a convenience store. Ed is the officer taking him through the procedure and he starts to flirt with her. He goes in and out of the bin a few times (in the hilarious previously mentioned intro to the film) and, in the end, marries Ed and decides to try and lead a straight life, getting a job and a trailer.

Ed decides that the next step is to have a baby. However, they find out that she's infertile and they can't adopt due to Hi's criminal record. So, after hearing about Nathan Arizona, a wealthy furniture salesman, and his wife's recent delivery of quintuplets, Hi and Ed say, "They have more than they could handle," and decide to steal a baby. Out of the quintuplets, they steal Nathan Jr., figuring he's the best one.

That same night, two of Hi's friends from prison, Gale and Evelle Snoats (played by John Goodman and William Forsythe, respectively), spring themselves out of the joint and head to the McDunnough's trailer. Ed allows them to stay the night and a day, but their felonious ways seem to rub off on Hi. Hi later has a nightmare about the "lone biker of the Apocalypse" and Mrs. Arizona realizing her baby is gone.


So, Nathan Arizona puts out a twenty-five thousand dollar reward for whoever finds his son. Hi and Ed go out with some "decent people," one of them being Hi's boss, Glen, who Hi assaults after Glen suggests wife-swapping (this costs Hi his job). And, on top of that, Hi tries to rob a convenience store for some Huggies but ends up going on some crazy, long chase.


Here's Where It Gets Spoilerific: The lone biker of the Apocalypse is a real dude, named Leonard Smalls, who offers to get Nathan Jr. back for Nathan for fifty thousand dollars. Also, Gale and Evelle want Hi to help them on a job. Hi decides to help them after they convince him that he can't provide for Ed and Jr. However, Glen comes around - all beat up and shouting about how he knows Hi and Ed stole Nathan Jr. The Snoats brothers hear this and steal Nathan Jr. to turn in for the reward money. The Snoats go rob a bank with Nathan Jr. Hi and Ed set out after the baby, with Smalls following them. 

The Snoats leave Nathan Jr by the side of the road (for the second time). Smalls and the McDonnoughs find Nathan Jr. at the same time. Smalls and Hi fight it out (or, to put it correctly: Smalls beats the shit out of Hi, who manages to win by pulling his grenade pin all sneaky like). Hi and Ed return Nathan Jr. to the Arizona couple. Nathan Sr. is very understanding to the couple - considering that they kidnapped his son - and tells them to keep trying to have a kid. While they say they're going to split up, Nathan Sr. advises them to sleep on it and then decide. That night, Hi has a dream about a really great future in which, among other things, he and Ed have a big family in "a land not too far away." "Maybe it was Utah."


Scenes to Watch Out For: That crazy-long, crazy-funny intro.


When the lone biker is introduced, there's a series of shots of him destroying cute, small things. It's kind of hilarious.


The Huggies scene. All of it is just so over the top.


The fight scenes between Gale Snoats and Hi and Smalls and Hi. Both are hilarious in their own right. 

Anything Else: I'm not sure how funny this movie sounds to someone who hasn't seen it. The premise really isn't very funny. I mean, an ex-con and his infertile, cop wife steal a baby and then get hunted down by some crazy biker. But, I assure you, if you haven't seen it, it's hilarious.

I'm sorry, but I gotta stick in a personal story. I know, I know. No one cares: It's odd to think that this movie may have really influenced my parents' lives. They've seen this movie a lot and quote it often. Watching it with them is both hilarious and frustrating, because they seem to have all the hand gestures and lines memorized. I'm pretty sure we moved for Utah because of the last line of this film. And my daddy says this movie might be why he likes Hawaiian shirts so much. My momma said she really hopes not. 

Tomboy (2011)

Directed By: Céline Sciamma


Starring: Zoé Héran, Jeanne Disson, Malonn Lévana


The Main Review: Tomboy, released in 2011, follows a genderqueer ten-year-old who moves into a new neighborhood and uses her anonymity to pass as a boy for a summer. Laure becomes Mikael when with friends and is closeted at home. It's said to be a story about the complexities of gender. A nice, French coming-of-age trans-flick.

Wait a second. It's a French film? But French films often have such unfulfilling endings! Oh, God dammit.

At the beginning of the film, Laure has just moved into a new neighborhood with her father, pregnant mother, and absolutely adorable younger sister, Jeanne. Laure meets Lisa, one of the girls in the neighborhood, who mistakes her for a boy. Laure tells Lisa that her name is Mikael. Mikael and Lisa go to play with the other kids and things seem fine. Lisa and Mikael even seem to have a cute little childhood romance thing goin' on - they even kiss (twice!).

Eventually, Jeanne finds out that her sister has been telling everyone she's a boy. However, after Mikael promises to take her out to meet his friends, she becomes his biggest ally. She talks about how great her big brother is and cuts his hair so their mom won't suspect anything. It's damn cute, really.

Here's Where It Gets Spoilerific: In defense of his little sister, Mikael gets into a fight with another boy. That boy's mother takes this up with Mikael's mom. Mikael's mother then forces him to wear a dress and  tell the boy he beat up and Lisa that he's actually a she. After this, Laure is found by the Lisa and the boys and Lisa checks to see which gender she really is.

The next scene is of Laure not wanting to go out. Her mother is asks if she wants to play with the other children and Laure is definitely not up for that idea. However, from her window, she sees Lisa, who gestures for her to come outside. Once there, Lisa asks what her real name is. Laure responds with her birth name and then smiles. The movie ends.

...What?

Scenes To Watch Out For: Jeanne telling another little girl about her super swell big brother. It's adorable.

Laure/Mikael's mom telling him that she's totally fine with him being a boy and that her forcing him to wear a dress and tell his friends so abruptly is a good idea. None of that seems like a lie or anything.

Anything Else: I can't really tell how I feel about the ending. On one hand, this could be a statement about gender fluidity. It could be saying that Laure learned to be comfortable as a boy and as a girl. However, due to how much Mikael liked being Mikael and wanted to hold onto that, I almost feel as though this little boy is being forced to be a girl at the end of the film just so he can be accepted. Due to the way the film just ended, I really cannot tell what was being said. (And this is why I just love, love, love French films.)


As an odd side note, the synopses for Tomboy each seem to tell a different story. IMDb claims that this is a movie about a little girl who gets mistaken as a boy and gets stuck in that misunderstanding, too embarrassed to correct anyone. On the other hand, Netflix says that Tomboy is about a girl who's uncomfortable as a female and decides to become Mikael. If that's not a weird difference, I don't know what is. 

Haeckel's Tale (2006)

Directed By: John McNaughton


Starring: Derek Cecil, Leela Savasta, Steve Bacic


The Main Review: Haeckel's Tale was an 2006 episode of the Showtime series, Masters of Horror. Based on a short story by Clive Baker, Haeckel's Tale seems like your average re-animation horror flick when you start watching. It centers around Ernst Haeckel, a medical student, who believes he can re-animate the dead. He goes to visit his sick father and stays for the night with a old farmer and his beautiful, young wife. You soon learn that this is not just a fun re-animation movie. At all.

Gosh, do I wish it was.

The movie actually begins with a widower, Ralston, coming to ask Miz Carnation, a necromancer, to bring his dead wife back to life. She agrees to do it if he listens to the harrowing tale of Haeckel and decides, at it's conclusion, that he loves his wife that much. Haeckel is introduced as the wealthy, educated medical student who wants to bring dead people back to life, because that's always a good idea. After being humiliated by not being able to bring someone back to life, Haeckel is directed to the necromancer Montesquino. Haeckel thinks Montesquino is a swindler, believing that only science can bring a person back to life and not magic.

Okay, switching story gears, Haeckel receives a letter saying his sickly father has taken a turn for the worse and would like to see him. He then abandons just being a re-animation film and steps into... Something else entirely. While on his journey, he is invited into the home of Walter and Elise Wolfram. The two of them, and their baby, are simple farmers but Elise seems to be preoccupied with something else. Haeckel spends a couple of scenes making eyes at Elise, then goes to bed.

Here's Where It Gets Spoilerific: God, I don't even know how to say this without being completely tasteless...

So, Montesquino shows up and Elise runs off into the graveyard. Walter starts crying and tells Haeckel, whose gotten out of bed by now, that Elise remarried him after her first husband's death. It's mentioned several times that no normal man can satisfy her. You hear Elise making some, uh... noise in the graveyard and Haeckel thinks "Hey, let's go see what's going on. That's a good idea. Totally." So, he goes to the graveyard with Walter in tow and sees Elise and her dead husband enjoying some Coldplay. And, then, it gets worse because you notice all the other dead men in the neighborhood seem to be waiting for their turn.

Walter gets killed as does Montesquino, who was hanging around the graveyard. Haeckel gets knocked out and, in the morning, goes back to the Wolfram's house. Elise is nursing her baby and it... It's a corpse baby. It a dead, disgusting corpse baby. And, it totally kills Haeckel. And then Elise has sex with dead Haeckel.

Needless to say, Ralston isn't exactly excited at the end of the story to bring his wife back. He actually says "That is the most horrible tale ever told," (which is a sentiment rather similar to how I feel about this movie). We find out that - Gasp! - Miz Carnation is Elise and she's totally keeping her dead lovers with her in the house, along with her awful, dead baby.

Scenes to Watch Out For: When Elise shows Haeckel her child. God, I'm still having a hard time getting over that.

Anything Else: Of course I kid when I say this was the most horrible tale ever told. Kissing Jessica Stein was way worse. (Ah, I joke, I joke.) Seriously, though.... Still a better love story than Twilight? 

Velvet Goldmine (1998)

Directed By: Todd Haynes


Starring: Christian Bale, Ewan McGregor, Jonathan Rhys Meyers


The Main Review: Velvet Goldmine was a 1998 film set in 1984 in which a British journalist, Arthur Stuart (Christian Bale), investigates the 1974 faked murder and subsequent disappearance of glam rock idol Brian Slade/Maxwell Demon (Jonathan Rhys Meyers) and tries to discover where the glitter star is. Intertwined with Blade's story, we get some of Arthur's, who was, himself, part of the glam rock movement and seemed to be at every important concert mentioned in the film. This film showcases some brilliant music and costumes, not to mention the absolutely stunning cast. And, of course, I have to point out that Brain Slade/Maxwell Demon looks so much like David Bowie/Ziggy Stardust. Along with that, Ewan McGregor plays a (mighty fine) glam rocker, Curt Wild, who seems to be a mix of Lou Reed and Iggy Pop. Placebo makes an appearance as well. Also, there's a spaceship.

Is it sad that this feels like the most straightforward film I've watched this week?

The first shot of this film is of a spaceship and then baby being found on a doorstep. The baby is Oscar Wilde. He has a mysterious green gem with him. Because that makes so much sense. A hundred years later, Jack Fairy - a soon-to-be glam rock idol but current schoolboy - finds the gem after being pushed down by some kids. Then - BAM! - change of scene. 1970s Glam Rock Time! We see Arthur and some of his glam-a-licious friends walking around and then the faked assassination of Maxwell Demon during a concert. Fast forward ten more years and we see that Arthur has now settled down to a life of journalism. He's asked to do a piece on Brian Slade's disappearance.


Arthur interviews Slade's first manager and then his ex-wife. We get bits and pieces of Slade's complex life and relationships. It's shown that Slade takes the green gem from Jack Fairy and then later gives it to Curt Wild, whom he produces for and sleeps with. Along with that, we see Arthur's past and his growing interest in glam rock. The film is very open with it's queerness, seeing as how all of its important male characters are gay or Eddie Izzard. 

Here's Where It Gets Spoilerific: We find out that Brian Slade is now Tommy Stone, new rock sensation (whose look seems rather similar to Bowie's in the '80s). Also, we find out that Arthur had sex with Curt Wild after the Death of Glitter concert. Arthur sees Wild again at the end of the film. It seems as if Wild doesn't remember him. However, Wild passes on the green gem to Arthur.


Scenes To Watch Out For: Curt Wild's first appearance. Oil, glitter, leather pants. Yes.

Baby's on Fire concert scene. Brian Slade performs a great service to Wild's guitar.

Curt Wild quoting some beautiful Oscar Wilde to Brian Slade during some odd circus ring press conference.


Arthur gettin' it on with Curt Wild. (Can you tell I'm just a tad bit into Curt Wild? Just a teensy bit.)


Anything Else: Now, I know what you're thinking: What is up with the green gem thing? What does that symbolize? I'm really not sure. I wanna just boil it down to "It's a gay thing" but I don't think it's that simple. I think, maybe, it's being open about your queer sexuality - seeing as Jack Fairy got it after being bullied and then, after finding it, seemed to have some nice optimistic moment. Slade stole it from Fairy when kissing him and then gave it to Wild after they'd had sex... I dunno. I'd love some input on this.  


David Bowie was supposed to supply the music for Velvet Goldmine but he looked at the script and decided he wanted no part of it. It's a shame, really, but I think the film did super without him. The soundtrack really is amazing.  


Cute little side story: When Ewan McGreggor and Christian Bale were filming their sex scene, Haynes cut without letting them know. He just let them continue to simulate the actions without saying anything. They must have looked like they needed a minute. (Ewan McGregor admits that he was really getting into it.)

Nude Nuns With Big Guns (2010)

Directed by: Joseph Guzman


Starrin: Asun Ortega, David Castro, Aycil Yeltan

The Main Review: With the brilliant tagline of "The Sister Is One Bad Mother!" Nude Nuns With Big Guns is a 2010 film about, well, a nun who is nude often and carries out holy retribution with a good number of large guns. Sister Sarah is drugged and abused by some corrupt priests, forced to package drugs with other fellow nuns, wearing only their habits. Later, the Sister is dragged to a brothel by Chavo - the leader of Los Muertos, a biker gang - where she is raped by clergymen. While close to death due to a lethal dose of dope, she has a vision of God, who tells her to exact vengeance on all who sin against Him. So, she gets some guns from the kindly witch doctor who saved her - Mr. Foo - and then kills him for being a witch doctor. Matched with a seventies/eighties exploitation feeling - with the occasional black-and-white or red-tinted shot, gratuitous nudity, and all the rape they could fit in between the nuns and the guns, Nude Nuns With Big Guns seems like a very good nunsploitation flick to watch with your Church bingo club.

Oh, yeah... Totally appropriate. 

A year later after our habit-ed heroine's religious vision, we see Sister Angelina who comes to warn a Father involved in the drug ring that a stranger has been offing other clergymen. We are shown of scene of Sister Sarah being a total badass, shooting up a local operation and saving Sister Angelina. We soon find out that Sarah and Angelina are lesbians. So, they're lesbian nuns. Way to go, movie. 


We then find out that Sarah and Angelina were caught in the throes of carnal pleasure with one another, which lead to their being forced into a life of drug packing and crime. And, throughout this all, we have an extraordinarily amount of shots taken place at a strip club and at least one rape scene. Chavo's gang are made aware of the threat to the drug ring and clergy. They eventually mobilize and start hunting down the Sister.


Here's Where It Gets Spoilerific: Honestly, it goes as you'd expect. There's some more lesbian action and lots of big guns. Sister Sarah kills loads of dudes (and some ladies). Sister Angelina gets picked up by Chavo's gang and is being raped by Chavo when Sister Sarah comes in and saves the day. Of course there's a set up for a sequel (with the scar-y and scary Brother John) that I really hope they make.


Scene To Watch Out For: Um... When Sister Angelina shoots off Chavo's penis? And, then they keep showing the dismembered... uh... member. 


Anything Else: I haven't heard anything about the sequel yet. I don't even know if they're planning on making one. Nude Nuns With Big Guns was subject to a really big copyright lawsuit so it seems that the film rights are a little iffy. Maybe that's why there's no mention of a sequel? Oh, well... Hopefully, they'll get that sorted so we can have more awesome nude nuns with their awesome big guns.