Not of This Earth (1988)

Directed by: Jim Wynorsky

Starring: Traci Lords, Arthur Roberts, Lenny Juliano

The Main Review: Not of This Earth is a 1988 remake of a 1957 film. This one has Traci Lords in it - so you know it has to be good. The basic idea is that, from a distant, war-ridden planet, a race of vampiric aliens send a suited, shade-wearing man-alien. This alien, Mr. Johnson, asks Nadine Story (Traci Lords) to be his personal nurse and help him with blood transfusions. We learn that his mission is to sample and collect human blood (from busty, half-naked blondes). And believe me - there are quite a lot of busty, half-naked blondes in this movie.

And some of the most obnoxious hookers in film history.

The movie starts with your typical guy-and-girl-getting-it-on-in-a-car situation that was, of course, interrupted by Mr. Johnson landing on earth and then killing the two of them with his evil, glow-y eyes that seem to suck out life-force or something. We then get one of the best opening credit sequences I've seen in a long time.

Mr. Johnson, after about a month on Earth, goes into a clinic for a transfusion. Nadine is the on-duty nurse when he comes in. He and she argue about blood samples. He explains that he will not submit to a blood test and just wants a transfusion while she explains that that is impossible. Doctor Rochelle speaks with Mr. Johnson, who shows him that he has very little blood in his veins and then uses his mind control to make sure Rochelle will tell no one. Nadine is appointed as Johnson's personal nurse; her job being to help him with a blood transfusion twice a day.

Dr. Rochelle talks to Mr. Johnson and it's explained that Johnson has a problem with his blood. All of it "evaporates" out of his body and if he doesn't continue the transfusions, it'll all turn to dust and he'll die.

Mr. Johnson is in contact with an alien who looks like he should be at a ZZ Top concert. Apparently, Mr. Johnson needs to send a human over to Divana, the planet he's from, all while continuing the blood transfusions (to make sure the blood doesn't kill him). 

Mr. Johnson kills a whole bunch of women and drains their blood. He sends this blood back to Divana. When a Birthday Girl Stripper shows up at his house, he mind controls her and sends her to Divana as well. And, all throughout this, Nadine is engaging in witty banter with Jeremy and going on dates with her cop boyfriend and wearing revealing clothing.

Here's Where It Gets Spoilerific: Another vampire-alien comes over from Divana (this time the alien's a busty, half-naked blonde, would you believe it?) and tells Mr. Johnson that the human he sent to Divana was killed when she arrived. Mr. Johnson sneaks the alien woman into Dr. Rochelle's office and gives her a blood transfusion. However, the blood he uses is from someone who was bitten by a rabid dog. This blood drives her crazy and kills her. Dr. Rochelle finds her (she dies in his office) and realizes that her blood was all evaporated.

At the same time, Nadine and Jeremy discover that Mr. Johnson is an evil alien. They confront him. Johnson kills Jeremy and Nadine runs off into the woods. All the while, her cop boyfriend and Rochelle are inspecting the dead alien and trying to figure out what's going on. Nadine makes it to a pay phone and calls her boyfriend, telling him to come get her. Mr. Johnson keeps trying to use his mind control on her. When he finally succeeds, he tells her to go back to his house and get into the transporter so she can be shipped to Divana. 

Nadine's boyfriend follows Mr. Johnson around by motorcycle and, finally, puts on his sirens. The high-pitched sounds cause Mr. Johnson to freak out and he drives his car off a bridge and dies. Nadine and Dr. Rochelle are released from Mr. Johnson's mind control.

Later, Nadine and her boyfriend are at Mr. Johnson's grave discussing if he was a good man or not. As they leave, another suited, shade-wearing man-alien shows up and the movie ends. The End...?

Scenes To Watch Out For: Those opening credits are hilarious. They have absolutely nothing to do with the rest of the film. It's brilliant. 

Anything Else: I think it's hilarious that the subtitle for this film is "Traci Lords is... Not of This Earth" when she's actually the main human character in this film. 

The American Astronaut (2001)

Directed By: Cory McAbee


Starring: Cory McAbee, Rocco Sisto, Gregory Russell Cook


The Main Review: The American Astronaut is a 2001 sci-fi-western-musical featuring the music of The Billy Nayer Show. It follows Samuel Curtis (Cory McAbee), an inter-planetary trader, who is asked by his acquaintance, the Blueberry Pirate, to return a dead man on Venus to his family on Earth. Before he can do that, Samuel has to ride around in his spaceship with a Real Live Girl, The Boy Who Actually Saw a Woman's Breast, a boy in a bodysuit, and some truly fantastic and bizarre music. All the while, he's followed by his crazy, obsessed nemesis Professor Hess (Rocco Sisto). And, guess what day it is! It's the professor's birthday!

 Yeah, this is the most normal movie I've ever seen. Total normalcy - right here. Check it. 

So, the opening is Professor Hess telling us about the bar on the asteroid Ceres, onto which our hero will soon be landing and doing business. (Also, there's a dance contest there that night!) Curtis is shown arriving with a cat that he trades to the owner of the bar for a Real Live Girl in a cloning device (Please note: the Real Live Girl is in, basically, a box and needs to be grown and raised before she can really do anything). The bar owner tells Curtis to stay for the dance contest, which he agrees to. He then goes to the bathroom, gets sung at by two men sent by the Blueberry Pirate, who take his picture while he's on the toilet.

Curtis is kind of thrown by that experience for a little while, but, when he realizes it was his old friend Larry Blueberry who had that picture taken, he seems to forgive the whole incident. The Blueberry Pirate, who is a galactic fruit thief, tells him that the Women of Venus recently lost their King and his family on Earth want him back. To get the man's body back, a new, young man must be provided for the women. The Blueberry Pirates suggests that Curtis trade the Real Live Girl for The Boy Who Actually Saw a Woman's Breast - who is currently living on the mining planet of Jupiter and boosting morale by giving terse descriptions of of his famous titular experience. From there, he can take The Boy to Venus, retrieve the dead king, and collect a handsome reward. Curtis agrees and he and the Blueberry Pirate pair up for the dance contest, which they win.

Professor Hess was at the Ceres bar as well and spotted Curtis. Once our hero leaves, Hess confronts the Blueberry Pirate in the bathroom, tells him it's his birthday, then kills him. He goes on to kill everyone else in the bar, except for the cat, and then goes out after Curtis.

Samuel Curtis gets to Jupiter and sees The Boy Who Actually Saw a Woman's Breast perform. He trades the Real Live Girl for The Boy and leaves the planet. Professor Hess comes soon after and, once again, kills everyone, taking the Real Live Girl. He sings a party song and then leaves. He calls Curtis on the phone and has him listen while he feeds the Real Live Girl to the cat he got from the bar. Curtis later explains to The Boy that Professor Hess kills for no reason. If he has an actual reason to kill someone, he can't do it because it would leave an issue unresolved.

The two of them stop off in a barn that's just floating around in space. A group of mutated farmers are living there with a boy they raised (poorly) who they just call Bodysuit. In exchange for some cigarettes and chocolate, Curtis agrees to take Bodysuit to Earth.

Here's Where It Gets Spoilerific: They make it to Venus. Curtis sings Cloris - the apparent queen of Venus - a song about a woman with a vagina, but notices that Professor Hess is there. He figures that Hess wants to kill The Boy Who Actually Saw a Woman's Breast, so he swaps Bodysuit for the dead man instead. The Women of Venus just love Bodysuit, despite his disorderly conduct and foul smell, and Professor Hess meets someone he has every reason to kill. He vows to be Bodysuit's father and raise him into a good man, so he can kill him. Curtis and The Boy take off together.

Scenes To Watch Out For: The Hurts Donut joke. 


The Boy's performance of "A". And really, all of the songs in this are phenomenal. "Hey Boy" and "The Girl With The Vagina Made of Glass" are two more of the really stunning performances. And "Party."


Anything Else: This movie is shot so interestingly. The lighting is brilliant. And, as I've already said, the music is really great. While this movie might be so bizarre there isn't a word weird enough to cover it, it's really fantastic and (if you can find a copy) it should be watched.