Not of This Earth (1988)

Directed by: Jim Wynorsky

Starring: Traci Lords, Arthur Roberts, Lenny Juliano

The Main Review: Not of This Earth is a 1988 remake of a 1957 film. This one has Traci Lords in it - so you know it has to be good. The basic idea is that, from a distant, war-ridden planet, a race of vampiric aliens send a suited, shade-wearing man-alien. This alien, Mr. Johnson, asks Nadine Story (Traci Lords) to be his personal nurse and help him with blood transfusions. We learn that his mission is to sample and collect human blood (from busty, half-naked blondes). And believe me - there are quite a lot of busty, half-naked blondes in this movie.

And some of the most obnoxious hookers in film history.

The movie starts with your typical guy-and-girl-getting-it-on-in-a-car situation that was, of course, interrupted by Mr. Johnson landing on earth and then killing the two of them with his evil, glow-y eyes that seem to suck out life-force or something. We then get one of the best opening credit sequences I've seen in a long time.

Mr. Johnson, after about a month on Earth, goes into a clinic for a transfusion. Nadine is the on-duty nurse when he comes in. He and she argue about blood samples. He explains that he will not submit to a blood test and just wants a transfusion while she explains that that is impossible. Doctor Rochelle speaks with Mr. Johnson, who shows him that he has very little blood in his veins and then uses his mind control to make sure Rochelle will tell no one. Nadine is appointed as Johnson's personal nurse; her job being to help him with a blood transfusion twice a day.

Dr. Rochelle talks to Mr. Johnson and it's explained that Johnson has a problem with his blood. All of it "evaporates" out of his body and if he doesn't continue the transfusions, it'll all turn to dust and he'll die.

Mr. Johnson is in contact with an alien who looks like he should be at a ZZ Top concert. Apparently, Mr. Johnson needs to send a human over to Divana, the planet he's from, all while continuing the blood transfusions (to make sure the blood doesn't kill him). 

Mr. Johnson kills a whole bunch of women and drains their blood. He sends this blood back to Divana. When a Birthday Girl Stripper shows up at his house, he mind controls her and sends her to Divana as well. And, all throughout this, Nadine is engaging in witty banter with Jeremy and going on dates with her cop boyfriend and wearing revealing clothing.

Here's Where It Gets Spoilerific: Another vampire-alien comes over from Divana (this time the alien's a busty, half-naked blonde, would you believe it?) and tells Mr. Johnson that the human he sent to Divana was killed when she arrived. Mr. Johnson sneaks the alien woman into Dr. Rochelle's office and gives her a blood transfusion. However, the blood he uses is from someone who was bitten by a rabid dog. This blood drives her crazy and kills her. Dr. Rochelle finds her (she dies in his office) and realizes that her blood was all evaporated.

At the same time, Nadine and Jeremy discover that Mr. Johnson is an evil alien. They confront him. Johnson kills Jeremy and Nadine runs off into the woods. All the while, her cop boyfriend and Rochelle are inspecting the dead alien and trying to figure out what's going on. Nadine makes it to a pay phone and calls her boyfriend, telling him to come get her. Mr. Johnson keeps trying to use his mind control on her. When he finally succeeds, he tells her to go back to his house and get into the transporter so she can be shipped to Divana. 

Nadine's boyfriend follows Mr. Johnson around by motorcycle and, finally, puts on his sirens. The high-pitched sounds cause Mr. Johnson to freak out and he drives his car off a bridge and dies. Nadine and Dr. Rochelle are released from Mr. Johnson's mind control.

Later, Nadine and her boyfriend are at Mr. Johnson's grave discussing if he was a good man or not. As they leave, another suited, shade-wearing man-alien shows up and the movie ends. The End...?

Scenes To Watch Out For: Those opening credits are hilarious. They have absolutely nothing to do with the rest of the film. It's brilliant. 

Anything Else: I think it's hilarious that the subtitle for this film is "Traci Lords is... Not of This Earth" when she's actually the main human character in this film. 

Jenifer (2005)

Directed by: Dario Argento


Starring: Steven Weber, Carrie Fleming, Brenda James


The Main Review: Jennifer is a 2005 motion picture that was another one of the short films within the Masters of Horror anthology. It's based on a ten-page comic by Bruce Jones and Berni Wrightson. The film follows Detective Frank Spivey after he saves the disfigured Jenifer from almost being decapitated by an ex-lawyer. Despite her unappealing face, he finds himself undeniably attracted to her. He soon learns, though, that she has a strong desire to eat flesh - which doesn't keep him from getting busy with her. And the movie turns into a one big hump-and-eat-people thang.

Oh, yeah. So hot.


So, Frank and his partner, Spacey, are eating Chinese food in a car when Frank notices a woman being dragged along the road by a crazed looking man. Being a noble detective, he follows them and, when the man makes a move to kill the woman, Frank shoots him. He gathers the distressed woman in his arms to see that her face is completely disfigured.

After this whole ordeal, Frank can't seem to get the woman, who he learns is named Jenifer, out of his head. He goes to the mental hospital she's being held at and takes her home with him. His wife is less than pleased and he promises to try and find her another place to stay as soon as possible. Of course, while their out searching for somewhere Jenifer can live, the two of them have car sex.

That night, Jenifer eats their cat. Frank's wife and son have enough sense to leave as soon as possible. Jenifer goes on to eat Frank's next-door-neighbor's daughter, which leads Frank to try and give Jenifer to the circus. A man comes to collect her when Frank's out and, when he comes home, he finds that man, dead, in his refrigerator. Frank takes Jenifer out into the deserted woods to start a new life.

Here's Where It Gets Spoilerific: So, Frank and Jenifer continue to have sex this entire time. Frank gets a job in a grocery store. Jenifer eats Frank's boss's son which makes Frank finally decide that enough is enough.

Frank drags Jenifer through the woods with an ax, intending to kill her. He's spotted by a hunter, who shoots him. Before he dies, Frank whispers "Jenifer..." The hunter gathers her in his arms and, after being startled by her deformed face, she simply strokes his hand in thanks. And, you can watch the movie again to see where that goes.

Scenes To Watch Out For: When Frank has sex with Jenifer, she makes these really demonic, animalistic noises. Wouldn't that tip you off to the fact that you were having sex with, I dunno, some kind of evil monster?

Frank's son sees Jenifer and his initial response (after being horrified by her face) is too leer at her and say "Nice rack." Good job, teenage male. You keep on seeing what's truly important - boobs.

Anything Else: So, what did we learn? Um... How about, when someone eats your cat - no matter how banging hot they are - maybe you should call the cops. Because, it's just gonna escalate from there.

We All Scream For Ice Scream (2007)

Directed By: Tom Holland


Starring: William Forsythe, Lee Tergesen, Ingrid Tesch


The Main Review: We All Scream For Ice Scream was another Masters of Horror episode, made in 2007. It was based on "I Scream. You Scream. We All Scream For Ice Cream," a short story by John Farris. It follows Layne (Lee Tergesen), who, as a child, pulled a prank with some other boys that got a stuttering ice cream truck driver clown named Buster (William Forsythe) killed. Years later, Buster comes back to exact his revenge and be a creepy clown.

Oh, yeah. Did I mention Buster kills the men by turning them into ice cream? Well, he does. It's totally not ridiculous at all.

In the first scene, a man named Kent is pleading with his son to not eat some man-shaped frozen treat. The kid does and his father melts into ice cream. Then kid doesn't seem too thrown and tells him he shouldn't have grounded him. Kids are evil.

Cut to Kent's funeral. Layne, a childhood friend of his, has moved back with his family recently and, lately, a lot of his old friends have been shuffling off. Along with that, the kids in the neighborhood keep wandering outside late at night, with quarters, waiting for an ice cream truck.

We cut to some flashbacks and learn that Buster, who was a driver for Cheery Tyme Ice Cream, was a really nice guy He was a friend of the kids. He told jokes and di likt. He was just really super great. One of the boys, Virgil, who for some reason really didn't like Buster (because, I dunno, kids are evil), pulls off Buster's red clown nose to reveal that he had no actual nose to speak of. Poor Buster.

Here's Where It Gets Spoilerific: So, in another flashback, we see a the boys pull a prank on Buster, in which they distract him and pull the breaks on his truck so it starts to roll downhill. They push him so he drops some change and, to pick it up, he ends up right in front of the oncoming truck. He gets run over and Virgil just keeps laughing and laughing. Kids are really evil.

So, Virgil and another one men involved with Buster's death snuff it, leaving Layne as the last man standing. He tries to send his wife and kids away, which doesn't work, but rigs up a plan to kill evil Buster. He makes a ice cream treat in the shape of a clown and wraps it in a Cheery Tyme wrapper. His son finds it and eats it, killing Buster once and for all. Layne moves his family away, but will forever be haunted by the eerie ice cream jingle Buster sang.

Scenes To Watch Out For: Layne goes to visit Virgil, who's in the tub. In order to be threatening, Virgil pulls out a knife. But... He's in the tub... So, he was bathing with a knife? Just waiting around for someone to threaten?

Also, when Virgil melts into ice cream, he doesn't just melt like the other guys. His skin dissolves in a complete gooey, bloody mess.

Anything Else: So, what did we learn? Lessons are important and I feel like there was so much to this film. I learned that kids are evil and that you shouldn't mess with clowns, because, no matter how nice they seem, they will come back and get their revenge.

In Sickness and In Health (2008)

Directed By: John Landis


Starring: Maggie Lawson, John Roday


The Main Review: In Sickness and In Health was an 2008 episode in Fear Itself, an NBC horror anthology series. It follows Samantha on her wedding day. She's marrying Carlos, who she loves despite having known him a short amount of time. Many people think she's rushing the wedding  - her brother, Steven, isn't even attending. One of her bridesmaids gives her a note that the priest entrusted to her after receiving it, himself, from a woman in a red headscarf. The letter tells her something truly disturbing about her betrothed. And, she spends the rest of the movie freaking out and telling everyone to forget that she ever even got a note.

But, of course, it can't be that simple! There has to be some sort of twist.

Samantha marries Carlos despite this letter but avoids the hell out of him and acts really wigged out around her bridesmaids. Of course, there are tons of scenes where Carlos acts suspicious and creepy. After getting shouted out by one of the bridesmaids, Carlos starts to make a scene at their wedding reception. Samantha offers to talk to him, so they go inside the creepy Catholic church. 

Here's Where It Gets Spoilerific: Carlos inquires after the note and Samantha really doesn't want to share it's contents. She is noticeably afraid of him and he spooks her some more until she's hides in a confessional. At this point, it seems as though there really may be no twist to the movie and Carlos may actually be a serial killer. Either that or a jerk. So, he sits on the other side and does admit to... going out with another woman while they were together, believing that's what the letter told his wife. Oh, wait, he's not a serial killer?

But, Samantha totally is. We see that the woman in a red headscarf is her brother, Steven. We get a good look at Sam and Steven's shared home, which is full of dead bodies and heads in jars, Samantha tells her husband that the note wasn't intended for her but for him. Carlos asks Sam to, one day, tell him what the note said and Samantha responds with a creepy "Yes" and the film ends.

Scenes To Watch Out For: When Carlos notices that his wife is scared of him and, instead of trying to calm her down, tries to frighten her more by chasing her around an empty Church that has way too many statues of saints being killed.

Anything Else: Throughout this entire film I was, like, "She's the serial killer. It's her. It's gotta be her. It'd be so cool if she ended up being the serial killer." And, the minute I abandon this notion, she ends up being the serial killer. Well played, movie.

Haeckel's Tale (2006)

Directed By: John McNaughton


Starring: Derek Cecil, Leela Savasta, Steve Bacic


The Main Review: Haeckel's Tale was an 2006 episode of the Showtime series, Masters of Horror. Based on a short story by Clive Baker, Haeckel's Tale seems like your average re-animation horror flick when you start watching. It centers around Ernst Haeckel, a medical student, who believes he can re-animate the dead. He goes to visit his sick father and stays for the night with a old farmer and his beautiful, young wife. You soon learn that this is not just a fun re-animation movie. At all.

Gosh, do I wish it was.

The movie actually begins with a widower, Ralston, coming to ask Miz Carnation, a necromancer, to bring his dead wife back to life. She agrees to do it if he listens to the harrowing tale of Haeckel and decides, at it's conclusion, that he loves his wife that much. Haeckel is introduced as the wealthy, educated medical student who wants to bring dead people back to life, because that's always a good idea. After being humiliated by not being able to bring someone back to life, Haeckel is directed to the necromancer Montesquino. Haeckel thinks Montesquino is a swindler, believing that only science can bring a person back to life and not magic.

Okay, switching story gears, Haeckel receives a letter saying his sickly father has taken a turn for the worse and would like to see him. He then abandons just being a re-animation film and steps into... Something else entirely. While on his journey, he is invited into the home of Walter and Elise Wolfram. The two of them, and their baby, are simple farmers but Elise seems to be preoccupied with something else. Haeckel spends a couple of scenes making eyes at Elise, then goes to bed.

Here's Where It Gets Spoilerific: God, I don't even know how to say this without being completely tasteless...

So, Montesquino shows up and Elise runs off into the graveyard. Walter starts crying and tells Haeckel, whose gotten out of bed by now, that Elise remarried him after her first husband's death. It's mentioned several times that no normal man can satisfy her. You hear Elise making some, uh... noise in the graveyard and Haeckel thinks "Hey, let's go see what's going on. That's a good idea. Totally." So, he goes to the graveyard with Walter in tow and sees Elise and her dead husband enjoying some Coldplay. And, then, it gets worse because you notice all the other dead men in the neighborhood seem to be waiting for their turn.

Walter gets killed as does Montesquino, who was hanging around the graveyard. Haeckel gets knocked out and, in the morning, goes back to the Wolfram's house. Elise is nursing her baby and it... It's a corpse baby. It a dead, disgusting corpse baby. And, it totally kills Haeckel. And then Elise has sex with dead Haeckel.

Needless to say, Ralston isn't exactly excited at the end of the story to bring his wife back. He actually says "That is the most horrible tale ever told," (which is a sentiment rather similar to how I feel about this movie). We find out that - Gasp! - Miz Carnation is Elise and she's totally keeping her dead lovers with her in the house, along with her awful, dead baby.

Scenes to Watch Out For: When Elise shows Haeckel her child. God, I'm still having a hard time getting over that.

Anything Else: Of course I kid when I say this was the most horrible tale ever told. Kissing Jessica Stein was way worse. (Ah, I joke, I joke.) Seriously, though.... Still a better love story than Twilight?