Cloudburst (2011)

Directed by: Thom Fitzgerald


Starring: Olympia Dukakis, Brenda Ficker, Ryan Doucette


The Main Review: Cloudburst is a 2011 film about two aging lesbians on their way to Canada. Stella, the foul mouthed, cowboy hat-wearing, tequila-drinking alpha female, and Dottie, the sweet, blind woman Stella is very in love with, are separated when Dottie's granddaughter tricks her into entering a nursing home. Stella liberates Dottie and they decide to go to Canada so they can legally marry after being together for thirty-one years. It's like a happier Thelma and Louise.

They even have a sexy Brad Pitt character.

So, Dottie and Stella have been living together for thirty-one years. They're clearly in love. Dottie, now blind, it taken care of solely by Stella. However, when Dottie falls off a bed (from being tickled by Stella with a vibrator), Molly, her granddaughter, thinks it's time for Dottie to be put in a old-folks home. Molly has no idea about Dottie and Stella's relationship - thinking that they're just best friends. So, telling her grandmother that she's signing something that clears Stella of any responsibility after the accident, Molly is able to dupe her grandmother in agreeing to move to a nursing home.

When Stella finds out, she's furious. So, once Dot is gone, she immediately plans a way to free Dot, which she does, and they hit the road. They stop in a diner and, after discussing how Stella could better take care of Dot if they were married, Stella proposes and Dot accepts to try being married to her. So, they set off to Canada. Along the way, they pick up a hitchhiker, Prentice, a modern dancer on his way to Canada as well to visit his dying mother. 


As they get closer to the border, Stella starts to get paranoid. She suggests that they split up - Dot and Prentice crossing into Canada together and her meeting them there later. Dot and Prentice do make it but, due to Stella's foul mouth, she has a harder time finding someone to give her a ride. Prentice doubles back and gets her. However, they get stopped at the border and Stella's big mouth (and the fact that they still have Dot's medication in the car) gets the two of them questioned and Prentice cavity searched. After this, the two of them are released and, despite Prentice's obvious anger at Stella, they pick up Dot together and head to Prentice's family's house.


Here's Where It Gets Spoilerific: Once there, Prentice greets his mother, Cat - who claims to not really be dying (on that day at least). Dot uses their bathroom and then decides to lie down for a minute. She, unfortunately, ends up in bed with Cat's (very naked) husband and gets, uh... I think the correct phrase is tea-bagged. Dot runs out of the house to Stella and there is a (very naked) chase scene. 


Prentice offers to take his mother away from her mean husband, but she declines, saying he has no way to take care of her. So, Prentice leaves with Stella and Dot. They get their marriage licences and a time the next day to get married. Prentice takes them to a bar and gives them a very touching best-man speech.

The next day, Dot and Stella go to get married. However, Molly and her husband, Tommy, show up (Stella called her during a moment of doubt) and tries to stop the wedding. She gets called out on tricking her grandmother into signing away her assets and is arrested. They all go to the police station and Molly and Dot have a heart to heart.

Dot, Stella and Prentice are driving away when Dot starts to have a heart attack. She demands that Prentice marry her and Stella in the car. Molly and Tommy call an ambulance but Dottie passes quickly. Stella and Prentice talk about Dot and, at her funeral, Prentice does Dottie's favorite modern dance number.

Scenes To Watch Out For: When Stella breaks Dot out of the nursing home. Genius!

Stella's monologue praising the c-word.

Dot and Stella's marriage in the truck.

Prentice's modern dance number at Dot's funeral. Stella just laughs and laughs while everyone else considers if this is offensive or not.

Anything Else: This movie has a fantastic way of putting very sad situations in a funnier light. For example, Dot and Stella's truck-marriage and Dot's funeral sound very sad and, while it is, the way it's done is rather amusing. So, even when something so terrible is happening, we're able to see something a little on the brighter side. I think that's pretty amazing.

Jack and Diane (2012)

Directed by: Bradley Rust Gray


Starring: Juno Temple, Riley Keough, Kylie Minogue


The Main Review: Jack and Diane is a 2012 motion picture. At it's core, it's a love story about two girls, Jack and Diane, who meet in New York. Jack's a strong, hot, but sweetly awkward native New Yorker while Diane is a cute, British girl visiting her aunt. However, Diane's awakening sexual desires are bringing out the werewolf inside of her. So, it's a werewolf movie with lesbians. Doesn't that sound awesome?

It sounds so great, there is no way we could be completely and totally let down!

The first scene seems promising. Diane is in the bathroom when suddenly a big, gross-looking werewolf comes out of nowhere and attacks her. We cut to some weird letters made out of a hair braid and we are transported to an earlier time.

Diane is looking for her twin sister who was supposed to come by bus to visit. After it's apparent that she's not arriving, Diane roams the streets for a while, trying to get someone to lend her a cell phone. She walks into a shop and sees Jack. She promptly gets a nosebleed (the apparent first sign of werewolfism) and Jack takes her to a back room and let's Diane make a call. Jack then takes Diane to a club at which Diane gets sick and has another nosebleed. But, Jack and Diane make out, so that's good, I guess. I wonder when the werewolves are gonna show up...

So, Jack and Diane hang out some more. Jack gets hit by a taxi, but she ends up being fine. She just breaks a cassette tape. The two of them have awkward conversations about stuff and Jack tries to play Diane her favorite song - which happens to be a Yaz cover - but can't, due to the song being on the broken tape. Jack eventually finds out that Diane is leaving to go to a French fashion school a few days, so she decides to be a complete jerk. Man, it'd be really cool if there were some werewolves now. 

Jack is shown a porn video of a very drunk, college girl getting cummed on by some frat boys. The girl is Diane's twin and Jack rushes to tell Diane about it. She phones her sister who say's that she'll be fine and everything's alright and... That's the end of that. So, where are the werewolves?

Diane and Jack seem to be okay now. They almost have sex until Diane stops Jack, who leaves to go sleep on the couch. Jack wakes up and tires to find Diane. Diane finds her first and attacks her as a werewolf. She reaches into Jack's torn open chest and pulls out her heart. Back in human form, she beings to eat it as Jack dies. And, that's a cool way to end a film. I mean, it took forever to get to the werewolf part but I guess this is okay...

Here's Where It Gets Spoilerific: It was all a dream! Or, at least, the Diane turning into a werewolf and eating Jack's heart bit was... God dammit! When are the cool werewolves gonna show up!?

So, Jack and Diane hang out some more and are in gross, non-werewolf love or something. Ew. When Diane is about to leave, Jack helps her get some luggage out of a shed. The door shuts, trapping them in the dark. Using the flash on a disposable camera Jack gave her, Diane uses the brief light to try and find their way out. Of course, Jack (who got a nosebleed prior to this) turns into a werewolf and attacks Diane! Cool! Finally some werewolf violence!

Except, no! It ends with Jack giving Diane a hug! Ah, screw this! Where are the werewolves!? 


So.. Diane leaves for France and Jack sends her the "Only You" cover tape and she listens to it smiling. And then the movie ends.


...What?!


Scenes To Watch Out For: Whenever Jack tries to say something meaningful... You know, to Diane... She, uh... She has a really... A really, really... Hard time... A hard time just saying... Anything...

Jack's on the phone with Diane's twin after Diane has been grounded and her twin is pretending to be her. Jack asks, after a moment and a shot of her fingertips dipping into the front of her shorts, "Are you touching yourself?" Just right out of the blue! No lead up to that... No "What are you wearing?" She just goes straight for it! Do people do that?

The porn video that has nothing to do with anything.


All of the times there weren't any werewolves in the film. Oh, wait! That was the entire damn movie!

Anything Else: Oh, yeah... I left out the weird animation. Yeah, periodically throughout the film there are shots of what I can only assume are supposed to be a human's internal organs and a strand of braided hair slithering around them... That's the best I can describe it. This movie was wack.

This was another film I saw at Damn These Heels! Out of the eight films I saw (and the eleven in total at the festival) this was the only one with distribution. Wow. Just... meditate on that for a while.

Nude Nuns With Big Guns (2010)

Directed by: Joseph Guzman


Starrin: Asun Ortega, David Castro, Aycil Yeltan

The Main Review: With the brilliant tagline of "The Sister Is One Bad Mother!" Nude Nuns With Big Guns is a 2010 film about, well, a nun who is nude often and carries out holy retribution with a good number of large guns. Sister Sarah is drugged and abused by some corrupt priests, forced to package drugs with other fellow nuns, wearing only their habits. Later, the Sister is dragged to a brothel by Chavo - the leader of Los Muertos, a biker gang - where she is raped by clergymen. While close to death due to a lethal dose of dope, she has a vision of God, who tells her to exact vengeance on all who sin against Him. So, she gets some guns from the kindly witch doctor who saved her - Mr. Foo - and then kills him for being a witch doctor. Matched with a seventies/eighties exploitation feeling - with the occasional black-and-white or red-tinted shot, gratuitous nudity, and all the rape they could fit in between the nuns and the guns, Nude Nuns With Big Guns seems like a very good nunsploitation flick to watch with your Church bingo club.

Oh, yeah... Totally appropriate. 

A year later after our habit-ed heroine's religious vision, we see Sister Angelina who comes to warn a Father involved in the drug ring that a stranger has been offing other clergymen. We are shown of scene of Sister Sarah being a total badass, shooting up a local operation and saving Sister Angelina. We soon find out that Sarah and Angelina are lesbians. So, they're lesbian nuns. Way to go, movie. 


We then find out that Sarah and Angelina were caught in the throes of carnal pleasure with one another, which lead to their being forced into a life of drug packing and crime. And, throughout this all, we have an extraordinarily amount of shots taken place at a strip club and at least one rape scene. Chavo's gang are made aware of the threat to the drug ring and clergy. They eventually mobilize and start hunting down the Sister.


Here's Where It Gets Spoilerific: Honestly, it goes as you'd expect. There's some more lesbian action and lots of big guns. Sister Sarah kills loads of dudes (and some ladies). Sister Angelina gets picked up by Chavo's gang and is being raped by Chavo when Sister Sarah comes in and saves the day. Of course there's a set up for a sequel (with the scar-y and scary Brother John) that I really hope they make.


Scene To Watch Out For: Um... When Sister Angelina shoots off Chavo's penis? And, then they keep showing the dismembered... uh... member. 


Anything Else: I haven't heard anything about the sequel yet. I don't even know if they're planning on making one. Nude Nuns With Big Guns was subject to a really big copyright lawsuit so it seems that the film rights are a little iffy. Maybe that's why there's no mention of a sequel? Oh, well... Hopefully, they'll get that sorted so we can have more awesome nude nuns with their awesome big guns.

Kissing Jessica Stein (2001)

Directed by: Charles Herman-Wurmfeld


Starring: Jennifer Westfeldt, Heather Juergensen, Scott Cohen

The Main Review: Kissing Jessica Stein was a 2001 film in which a woman, Jessica Stein, decides to stop dating men and try dating a woman. She gets involved with the lovely Helen, who was also, until recently, only engaging in heterosexual relationships. The two of them pair up in what's supposed to be a sweet, quirky romantic comedy about straight girls going gay. Sounds adorable, right?

Yeah, not so much...

All of the men in Jessica's life before meeting Helen were unattractive, unintelligent, jerks and/or already taken. Her mother keeps trying to set Jessica up with other Jewish men that she just doesn't find herself attracted to. There are two conventionally attractive men shown in her life, one of them being her snarky, ex-writer, ex-boyfriend boss (Scott Cohen)  and the other being taken (John Hamm). It just kinda makes sense that she'd try dating in a different group, especially when they put such a charming and non-threatening personal ad in the paper.

There's a lot of middle stuff about painting and dating and being accepting of being gay (I mean, hey, this is a rom-com). What we find is that Helen and Jessica do have sex and, while Jessica isn't really used to it, she thinks it's good. So, Jessica and Helen do fall in love, do engage in physical intimacy and, by what seemed like the end of the movie, go to a wedding together as an open couple.

Of course, at the wedding, her jerk boss shows up a new, better man. He's started to do his bohemian writing thing, he offers her his coat when she's cold, and, being the only person at this point who doesn't know about Jessica and Helen, confesses his deep, romantic feelings to her. He's attractive, he's intelligent, he's nice (now) and he's very available. We can all see that Jessica is tempted, but she refuses his dinner invitation because she's with Helen. So, for that moment, the audience feels satisfied in Jessica and Helen's relationship and love for one another.

Here's Where It Gets Spoilerific: The movie doesn't end there. We see a cute little montage of Helen and Jessica moving in together and being a couple. Then, there are a few scenes of their relationship a few more months in. It appears that Jessica is avoiding - whether purposefully or not - having sex with Helen. In the very end, Helen breaks up with Jessica for not wanting to have more sex with her. Jessica is obviously distressed and tries to get Helen to stay, because, you know, she loves her.

Flash forward another few months, Jessica goes to a bookstore and finds her old boss there. They've, by this point, both quit their jobs and are working on their artistic careers. Of course, the two of them decide to see each other. Then, Jessica goes to have lunch with Helen - the two of them now just best friends. The movie ends and I leave with a displeased feeling in my stomach.

Scenes To Watch Out For: Helen trying to talk to Jessica about their sex life in public and Jessica trying to get her to stop. While Helen sees it as Jessica just not being open about their relationship, I see it as a basic desire to have privacy. But, obviously, wanting to have some privacy when it comes to sex makes you uptight.

The scene where Jessica is pleading through tears with Helen, asking her not to leave, saying she really loves her. And Helen saying they're just roommates.

Anything Else: For Christ's sake, this is supposed to be a rom-com. I was pretty sure that meant fun and light, with a happy ending. Maybe it's just my looser view of sexuality, but I was pretty sure that these two girls loved each other. The movie didn't go too far into their sex life, which is fine. However, it does mean that we have no idea what these two women tried when it comes to sex. I can't tell exactly how much effort they'd put in before Helen threw in the towel.

Also, I don't know if Jessica Stein being heterosexual in the end makes the movie sell better to the public. I think that might be why. The movie is fairly explicit - or at least more explicit - with showing heterosexual sex then the lesbian sex. In fact, the most lesbian action we see is some timid kissing between Jessica and Helen. However, Helen and one of her boyfriends are shown to be very intimate at times. I guess it's to give the heterosexual female viewers something they like, while also giving them the sense of being "adventurous" and "open-minded" because they watched a movie about "lesbians."