Jack and Diane (2012)

Directed by: Bradley Rust Gray


Starring: Juno Temple, Riley Keough, Kylie Minogue


The Main Review: Jack and Diane is a 2012 motion picture. At it's core, it's a love story about two girls, Jack and Diane, who meet in New York. Jack's a strong, hot, but sweetly awkward native New Yorker while Diane is a cute, British girl visiting her aunt. However, Diane's awakening sexual desires are bringing out the werewolf inside of her. So, it's a werewolf movie with lesbians. Doesn't that sound awesome?

It sounds so great, there is no way we could be completely and totally let down!

The first scene seems promising. Diane is in the bathroom when suddenly a big, gross-looking werewolf comes out of nowhere and attacks her. We cut to some weird letters made out of a hair braid and we are transported to an earlier time.

Diane is looking for her twin sister who was supposed to come by bus to visit. After it's apparent that she's not arriving, Diane roams the streets for a while, trying to get someone to lend her a cell phone. She walks into a shop and sees Jack. She promptly gets a nosebleed (the apparent first sign of werewolfism) and Jack takes her to a back room and let's Diane make a call. Jack then takes Diane to a club at which Diane gets sick and has another nosebleed. But, Jack and Diane make out, so that's good, I guess. I wonder when the werewolves are gonna show up...

So, Jack and Diane hang out some more. Jack gets hit by a taxi, but she ends up being fine. She just breaks a cassette tape. The two of them have awkward conversations about stuff and Jack tries to play Diane her favorite song - which happens to be a Yaz cover - but can't, due to the song being on the broken tape. Jack eventually finds out that Diane is leaving to go to a French fashion school a few days, so she decides to be a complete jerk. Man, it'd be really cool if there were some werewolves now. 

Jack is shown a porn video of a very drunk, college girl getting cummed on by some frat boys. The girl is Diane's twin and Jack rushes to tell Diane about it. She phones her sister who say's that she'll be fine and everything's alright and... That's the end of that. So, where are the werewolves?

Diane and Jack seem to be okay now. They almost have sex until Diane stops Jack, who leaves to go sleep on the couch. Jack wakes up and tires to find Diane. Diane finds her first and attacks her as a werewolf. She reaches into Jack's torn open chest and pulls out her heart. Back in human form, she beings to eat it as Jack dies. And, that's a cool way to end a film. I mean, it took forever to get to the werewolf part but I guess this is okay...

Here's Where It Gets Spoilerific: It was all a dream! Or, at least, the Diane turning into a werewolf and eating Jack's heart bit was... God dammit! When are the cool werewolves gonna show up!?

So, Jack and Diane hang out some more and are in gross, non-werewolf love or something. Ew. When Diane is about to leave, Jack helps her get some luggage out of a shed. The door shuts, trapping them in the dark. Using the flash on a disposable camera Jack gave her, Diane uses the brief light to try and find their way out. Of course, Jack (who got a nosebleed prior to this) turns into a werewolf and attacks Diane! Cool! Finally some werewolf violence!

Except, no! It ends with Jack giving Diane a hug! Ah, screw this! Where are the werewolves!? 


So.. Diane leaves for France and Jack sends her the "Only You" cover tape and she listens to it smiling. And then the movie ends.


...What?!


Scenes To Watch Out For: Whenever Jack tries to say something meaningful... You know, to Diane... She, uh... She has a really... A really, really... Hard time... A hard time just saying... Anything...

Jack's on the phone with Diane's twin after Diane has been grounded and her twin is pretending to be her. Jack asks, after a moment and a shot of her fingertips dipping into the front of her shorts, "Are you touching yourself?" Just right out of the blue! No lead up to that... No "What are you wearing?" She just goes straight for it! Do people do that?

The porn video that has nothing to do with anything.


All of the times there weren't any werewolves in the film. Oh, wait! That was the entire damn movie!

Anything Else: Oh, yeah... I left out the weird animation. Yeah, periodically throughout the film there are shots of what I can only assume are supposed to be a human's internal organs and a strand of braided hair slithering around them... That's the best I can describe it. This movie was wack.

This was another film I saw at Damn These Heels! Out of the eight films I saw (and the eleven in total at the festival) this was the only one with distribution. Wow. Just... meditate on that for a while.