In The Family (2011)

Directed by: Patrick Wang


Starring: Sebastian Banes, Patrick Wang, Trevor St. John


The Main Review: In the Family is a 2011 film that highlights the struggles homosexual couples can go through due to the prohibition of gay marriage. When Joey's partner, Cody, dies, Cody's sister takes over as legal guardian of Chip, Joey and Cody's son. Chip is taken away from his father and Joey is slowly cut off from the family he gained through Cody. So, with the help of his friends, Joey sets out to find a solution.

You can smell that deep, touching movie smell from a mile away.

The movie starts with a normal day in Cody, Joey, and Chip's lives. Joey is a contractor, Cody is a math teacher and Chip, their six year old, is adorably precocious. However, all of that is taken away quite suddenly when Cody gets into a car accident. After not even being allowed to visit him in the hospital, Joey is informed that Cody has died.

Joey and Chip are both grieved, but they struggle and manage. However, Joey is informed by Cody's sister, Eileen, that she was named the sole heir to Cody's inheritance in his will (which hadn't been updated since Cody was born). This placed her as Chip's legal guardian. She thanks Joey for being a good parent for all of those years and assures him that Chip will be well taken care of. Joey is outraged and refuses to give up his son. However, that Thanksgiving, when Chip goes to visit his grandmother, he's nowhere to be found when Joey comes to pick him up. A few days later, Joey is given a restraining order.

Joey talks to many lawyers who all tell him he has no case. However, Paul, a retired lawyer whose house Joey is contracting for, offers to help him. Joey says he wants a deposition and he meets up with Eileen, her husband, and their lawyer.

Here's Where It Gets Spoilerific: So, throughout all of this, there are some flashbacks. We learn that Cody was married to Rebecca when Joey became the contractor on their house. Rebecca was pregnant with Chip and she died shortly after he was born. Joey was a constant help to Cody and, about seven months later when the house is finished, Cody makes a move on Joey. And then six years later, here we are.

At the deposition, Joey is question by some jerk lawyer (who asks inappropriate things like, "How did you seduce Cody?" and "Are you a pedophile?"). He then gets to explain his side of everything in such a beautiful way. He says he'll give up the house and any bank accounts he shared with Cody just for an opportunity to get his son back. Eileen and her husband are obviously shaken by what Joey says and walk out of the deposition.

A while later, Eileen's husband shows up on Joey's doorstep as he's packing. He explains how sorry he is for the whole situation. He tells Joey he can stay in the house and that Eileen is just having a hard time figuring out what's best to do. He gets Joey to come outside and yells out to Eileen (whose in the car) to come out and speak to Joey herself. Just as she does, Chip jumps out of the car with her and rushes over to hug his dad. 

Scenes To Watch Out For: When Cody kisses Joey for the first time. That whole scene is brilliant.

The deposition. All of it was very well done.

Despite it's abruptness, when Chip suddenly jumps out of the car and into his daddy's arms - it's the sweetest ending I can think of for this film.

Anything Else: In The Family does not rush itself. Because of this, it's just a bit short of about three hours long. So, I think, before this film can be picked up, it might need to be edited a smidgen. However, the story really was lovely and intriguing. I hope I see it again someday.

Cloudburst (2011)

Directed by: Thom Fitzgerald


Starring: Olympia Dukakis, Brenda Ficker, Ryan Doucette


The Main Review: Cloudburst is a 2011 film about two aging lesbians on their way to Canada. Stella, the foul mouthed, cowboy hat-wearing, tequila-drinking alpha female, and Dottie, the sweet, blind woman Stella is very in love with, are separated when Dottie's granddaughter tricks her into entering a nursing home. Stella liberates Dottie and they decide to go to Canada so they can legally marry after being together for thirty-one years. It's like a happier Thelma and Louise.

They even have a sexy Brad Pitt character.

So, Dottie and Stella have been living together for thirty-one years. They're clearly in love. Dottie, now blind, it taken care of solely by Stella. However, when Dottie falls off a bed (from being tickled by Stella with a vibrator), Molly, her granddaughter, thinks it's time for Dottie to be put in a old-folks home. Molly has no idea about Dottie and Stella's relationship - thinking that they're just best friends. So, telling her grandmother that she's signing something that clears Stella of any responsibility after the accident, Molly is able to dupe her grandmother in agreeing to move to a nursing home.

When Stella finds out, she's furious. So, once Dot is gone, she immediately plans a way to free Dot, which she does, and they hit the road. They stop in a diner and, after discussing how Stella could better take care of Dot if they were married, Stella proposes and Dot accepts to try being married to her. So, they set off to Canada. Along the way, they pick up a hitchhiker, Prentice, a modern dancer on his way to Canada as well to visit his dying mother. 


As they get closer to the border, Stella starts to get paranoid. She suggests that they split up - Dot and Prentice crossing into Canada together and her meeting them there later. Dot and Prentice do make it but, due to Stella's foul mouth, she has a harder time finding someone to give her a ride. Prentice doubles back and gets her. However, they get stopped at the border and Stella's big mouth (and the fact that they still have Dot's medication in the car) gets the two of them questioned and Prentice cavity searched. After this, the two of them are released and, despite Prentice's obvious anger at Stella, they pick up Dot together and head to Prentice's family's house.


Here's Where It Gets Spoilerific: Once there, Prentice greets his mother, Cat - who claims to not really be dying (on that day at least). Dot uses their bathroom and then decides to lie down for a minute. She, unfortunately, ends up in bed with Cat's (very naked) husband and gets, uh... I think the correct phrase is tea-bagged. Dot runs out of the house to Stella and there is a (very naked) chase scene. 


Prentice offers to take his mother away from her mean husband, but she declines, saying he has no way to take care of her. So, Prentice leaves with Stella and Dot. They get their marriage licences and a time the next day to get married. Prentice takes them to a bar and gives them a very touching best-man speech.

The next day, Dot and Stella go to get married. However, Molly and her husband, Tommy, show up (Stella called her during a moment of doubt) and tries to stop the wedding. She gets called out on tricking her grandmother into signing away her assets and is arrested. They all go to the police station and Molly and Dot have a heart to heart.

Dot, Stella and Prentice are driving away when Dot starts to have a heart attack. She demands that Prentice marry her and Stella in the car. Molly and Tommy call an ambulance but Dottie passes quickly. Stella and Prentice talk about Dot and, at her funeral, Prentice does Dottie's favorite modern dance number.

Scenes To Watch Out For: When Stella breaks Dot out of the nursing home. Genius!

Stella's monologue praising the c-word.

Dot and Stella's marriage in the truck.

Prentice's modern dance number at Dot's funeral. Stella just laughs and laughs while everyone else considers if this is offensive or not.

Anything Else: This movie has a fantastic way of putting very sad situations in a funnier light. For example, Dot and Stella's truck-marriage and Dot's funeral sound very sad and, while it is, the way it's done is rather amusing. So, even when something so terrible is happening, we're able to see something a little on the brighter side. I think that's pretty amazing.

North Sea Texas (2011)

Directed By: Bavo Defurne


Starring: Jelle Florizoone, Mathais Vergels, Nin Marie Kortekaas


The Main Review: North Sea Texas is a 2011 Belgian film. It's actual title is Noordzee Texas but we're 'Murican here, so we'll use it's English name. It follows Pim as he's growing up, and his neighbors, Gino, Sabrina and their mother, Marcella.  It has some of the most beautiful cinematography and the acting is all solid. Of course, Pim and Gino have a relationship. And Pim has a gypsy named Zoltan staying in his house. And his mom plays the accordion!

I totally relate to this coming of age love story. Totally.

It begins with little Pim, who likes to get naked and put on his mother's tiara and sash from her beauty queen years. His mother finds him one day and while she doesn't seem mad, he runs off, crying. He's found by Marcella. He meets Gino and Sabrina, her children. Because the family is so accepting of him and kind, he makes sure to visit whenever he can from then on.

Years go by and Pim is obviously taken with Gino. He has a little box of collected things - which include his mother's tiara and sash as well as tokens from Gino. Gino and he have sex for the first time in a tent the day before Pim's fifteenth birthday. They continue to get it on in the wilderness once Gino gets his motorcycle.

However, it's discovered that Gino has a French girlfriend, Françoise. Pim is obviously distressed and it seems that he may have only been something in Gino's "experimental" years. However, Pim's promiscuous, semi-negligent mother takes in Zoltan as a boarder. Zoltan had been a previous boarder and seemed to come and go with the fun fair. Both Pim and his mother are clearly smitten with this guy. I mean, who doesn't love a man with a self-labeling arm tattoo?

 Here's Where It Gets Spoilerfic: Pim walks in on his mother and Zoltan gettin' busy and he runs away. When he comes home, the two of them are gone. He goes to live with Sabrina and Marcella (Gino moved away to live with Françoise). Marcella, however, is very ill and she has to be hospitalized. Before she passes, she shows Gino and Sabrina a photo of their father (whom they'd never seen) and make it clear that she's okay with Gino and Pim being together. 


After she dies, Pim and Sabrina straighten up both of their houses and get themselves on track. Gino shows up when Sabrina's out and tells Pim he wants to be with him. They kiss and the movie ends.


Scenes To Watch Out For: The scene with Little Pim walking around his mother's room, talking to his imaginary maid, Maria, and putting on the sash and tiara. Absolutely adorable.


When seventeen year old Gino just starts masturbating in front of Pim (and Pim follows suit). My friends don't just start touching themselves when there's a lull in conversation... Do my friends not like me?


When Gino and Pim have sex in the tent, it is one of the most beautiful scenes I've witnessed. The sound of their hushed love-making becomes one with the low rustling of the grass. 

When Marcella is in the hospital, Gino and Pim both take one of her hands. She moves and places the boys' hands together as a sign that she knows they have feelings for each other. It's very touching.

Anything Else: As I said, the cinematography is brilliant. I wish this movie all the luck in the world. I hope American audience can just accept subtitles for once... And homosexuality. But, if wishes were horses, beggars would ride, I guess.

Jack and Diane (2012)

Directed by: Bradley Rust Gray


Starring: Juno Temple, Riley Keough, Kylie Minogue


The Main Review: Jack and Diane is a 2012 motion picture. At it's core, it's a love story about two girls, Jack and Diane, who meet in New York. Jack's a strong, hot, but sweetly awkward native New Yorker while Diane is a cute, British girl visiting her aunt. However, Diane's awakening sexual desires are bringing out the werewolf inside of her. So, it's a werewolf movie with lesbians. Doesn't that sound awesome?

It sounds so great, there is no way we could be completely and totally let down!

The first scene seems promising. Diane is in the bathroom when suddenly a big, gross-looking werewolf comes out of nowhere and attacks her. We cut to some weird letters made out of a hair braid and we are transported to an earlier time.

Diane is looking for her twin sister who was supposed to come by bus to visit. After it's apparent that she's not arriving, Diane roams the streets for a while, trying to get someone to lend her a cell phone. She walks into a shop and sees Jack. She promptly gets a nosebleed (the apparent first sign of werewolfism) and Jack takes her to a back room and let's Diane make a call. Jack then takes Diane to a club at which Diane gets sick and has another nosebleed. But, Jack and Diane make out, so that's good, I guess. I wonder when the werewolves are gonna show up...

So, Jack and Diane hang out some more. Jack gets hit by a taxi, but she ends up being fine. She just breaks a cassette tape. The two of them have awkward conversations about stuff and Jack tries to play Diane her favorite song - which happens to be a Yaz cover - but can't, due to the song being on the broken tape. Jack eventually finds out that Diane is leaving to go to a French fashion school a few days, so she decides to be a complete jerk. Man, it'd be really cool if there were some werewolves now. 

Jack is shown a porn video of a very drunk, college girl getting cummed on by some frat boys. The girl is Diane's twin and Jack rushes to tell Diane about it. She phones her sister who say's that she'll be fine and everything's alright and... That's the end of that. So, where are the werewolves?

Diane and Jack seem to be okay now. They almost have sex until Diane stops Jack, who leaves to go sleep on the couch. Jack wakes up and tires to find Diane. Diane finds her first and attacks her as a werewolf. She reaches into Jack's torn open chest and pulls out her heart. Back in human form, she beings to eat it as Jack dies. And, that's a cool way to end a film. I mean, it took forever to get to the werewolf part but I guess this is okay...

Here's Where It Gets Spoilerific: It was all a dream! Or, at least, the Diane turning into a werewolf and eating Jack's heart bit was... God dammit! When are the cool werewolves gonna show up!?

So, Jack and Diane hang out some more and are in gross, non-werewolf love or something. Ew. When Diane is about to leave, Jack helps her get some luggage out of a shed. The door shuts, trapping them in the dark. Using the flash on a disposable camera Jack gave her, Diane uses the brief light to try and find their way out. Of course, Jack (who got a nosebleed prior to this) turns into a werewolf and attacks Diane! Cool! Finally some werewolf violence!

Except, no! It ends with Jack giving Diane a hug! Ah, screw this! Where are the werewolves!? 


So.. Diane leaves for France and Jack sends her the "Only You" cover tape and she listens to it smiling. And then the movie ends.


...What?!


Scenes To Watch Out For: Whenever Jack tries to say something meaningful... You know, to Diane... She, uh... She has a really... A really, really... Hard time... A hard time just saying... Anything...

Jack's on the phone with Diane's twin after Diane has been grounded and her twin is pretending to be her. Jack asks, after a moment and a shot of her fingertips dipping into the front of her shorts, "Are you touching yourself?" Just right out of the blue! No lead up to that... No "What are you wearing?" She just goes straight for it! Do people do that?

The porn video that has nothing to do with anything.


All of the times there weren't any werewolves in the film. Oh, wait! That was the entire damn movie!

Anything Else: Oh, yeah... I left out the weird animation. Yeah, periodically throughout the film there are shots of what I can only assume are supposed to be a human's internal organs and a strand of braided hair slithering around them... That's the best I can describe it. This movie was wack.

This was another film I saw at Damn These Heels! Out of the eight films I saw (and the eleven in total at the festival) this was the only one with distribution. Wow. Just... meditate on that for a while.

Gayby (2012)

Directed by: Jonathan Lisecki


Starring: Jenn Harris, Matthew Wilkais, Mike Doyle


The Main Review: Gayby is a 2012 film that follows two best friends, Jenn and Matt, as they try to conceive. Jenn is a hot yoga teacher and Matt is a struggling comic book writer. Matt's still trying to get over his last boyfriend and Jenn is single by choice. So, remembering a promise they made to each other in college, they decide to have a kid together. The old fashioned way.

Yeah, that's gonna work out well and totally not be awkward.

Matt's moved to Brooklyn and works in a comic book store. He's desperately trying to avoid his ex-boyfriend, who doesn't seem as concerned with avoidance. Jenn teaches Bikram yoga and runs errands for her boss. So, after her sister tells her all about the baby she's adopting from Africa, Jenn goes to Matt to ask him to father her child. He says yes and, while he thinks it's weird for a gay man and a heterosexual woman to have sex, he agrees to trying the old fashioned way.

So, a week later, they get down to it. This ends up being awkward to say the least. Jenn decides that her apartment is too drab for creating a baby (the energy is all wrong), so she hires her boss' hot brother, Louis, to paint it. She moves in with Matt for a while and they get into a routine of having procreative sex, while both trying to get back into dating. They start to meet up with people online. However, at the comic store, Matt meets Scott, the very hot single daddy. And, can I just say that Scott kinda looks like a super hero in disguise. Just a little bit. I mean, look... He's got nerdy glasses... And that man-chest! Dayum.

Anyway, Jenn goes back to her apartment some night when Scott's over, to find Louis there. She and Louis have some crazy sex. She later finds out that he has a girlfriend. Jenn decides that she doesn't want to have sex with Matt anymore and they go for the turkey baster method (except, they use a cat medicine syringe supplied by Matt's bear friend Nelson (woof!)). Jenn finally conceives and it looks like Momma and Daddy are gonna have a baby!

Here's Where It Gets Spoilerfic: So, we find out that, when Louis and Jenn had sex, all of the condoms they used broke. So, there's a minor chance that he's the babydaddy. When she tells Matt this (on his birthday, no less), he flips. Matt won't talk to Jenn and Jenn spends a long, long time in bed not doing anything. Finally, her sister gets her up and going. Jenn buys into her hot yoga studio and she apologizes to Matt.

A year later, they have a beautiful baby girl! Jenn has hooked up with Neil, who works at the comic store with Matt. Scott is taking Matt out that night (and Jenn spills that he's going to ask Matt to marry him). Matt's doing well with a comic he wrote called "Gayby." At the end, Matt and Scott leave for their date and Jenn look at her little girl, remarking, "You look just like your daddy."

Scenes To Watch Out For: Nelson and Matt discussing the initialism LGBTQA and how ridiculously ong it is.

After Matt and Jenn's internet meet-ups, the hilarious exchange in the hallway.

The very "athletic" sex Jenn has with Louis. 


Anything Else: This was a really sweet, funny, if not a bit stereotypical (but in a nice way) film. Really, it's adorable. I hope it gets distribution soon.

Joshua Tree, 1951: A Portrait of James Dean (2012)

Directed by: Matthew Mishory


Starring: James Preston, Dan Glenn, Dalilah Rain


The Main Review: Joshua Tree, 1951, is a very recent film from this past year. Today, it premiered at multiple lgbt film festivals, including Damn These Heels! - where I had the opportunity to view it. Joshua Tree is a film supposed to follow part of the life of James Dean and his bisexuality. It's shot in black-and-white and very stylized. The actor who plays James Dean is gorgeous, of course. He is shown with a woman once in the film but seems to have a good amount of sex with other men.

Scratch that. He has a lot of sex with other men. 

The movie is nonlinear. The best I can piece together is that Dean and his unnamed actor roommate move in together and then Dean gets involved with Roger, the gay movie agent. At least, I'm pretty sure he's some sort of agent. James Dean has some fun-to-watch gay sex - if gay sex is your cup of tea - and seems to express at least mild interest in a few girls. Later on, Dean and his roommate go off into the desert, with Violet, who works for Roger.

Because of it's non-linearity, there are many flashbacks. We are shown the Roommate and Dean's acting classes at UCLA. Roger and Dean's relationship is sort of gone into. Also, The Little Prince seems to be very important and regarded as the most important literature a man can read.


Here's Where It Get Spoilerific: Honestly, this film doesn't really lend itself to spoilers. I mean, Dean is sleeping with his roommate (as well as every other able bodied man shown in this film, it seems, so it's not surprising). He's at least macking the calf with Violet, and it seems Roommate and Violet have something going on as well.


And, really, don't we all know how the story of James Dean ends? It really is a tale too short. 

Scenes To Watch Out For: Most of the scenes with the Roommate and James Dean - especially right before Dean goes off to New York. It's quite touching, really.

James Dean explaining "passive" and "aggressive" to a young man he met at the beach.

"I Fall In Love Too Easily" being sung in a nightclub.

Anything Else: I'll be completely honest - I know basically nothing about James Dean. I think I can name the movies he was in on a good day. So, I'm a little unsure about where and how often this film takes some artistic licence with what we actually know about James Dean. I - and the people who attended the film with me - were under the impression that James Dean was a little more heterosexual than what was presented in the film. As I said, though, I know very little about him.

Also, if you see this film and see something in my review is off, I'm sorry - but this film was kinda confusing! I don't know if it's just me, but I had a hard time following some of it. It was very... artistic.

Tomboy (2011)

Directed By: Céline Sciamma


Starring: Zoé Héran, Jeanne Disson, Malonn Lévana


The Main Review: Tomboy, released in 2011, follows a genderqueer ten-year-old who moves into a new neighborhood and uses her anonymity to pass as a boy for a summer. Laure becomes Mikael when with friends and is closeted at home. It's said to be a story about the complexities of gender. A nice, French coming-of-age trans-flick.

Wait a second. It's a French film? But French films often have such unfulfilling endings! Oh, God dammit.

At the beginning of the film, Laure has just moved into a new neighborhood with her father, pregnant mother, and absolutely adorable younger sister, Jeanne. Laure meets Lisa, one of the girls in the neighborhood, who mistakes her for a boy. Laure tells Lisa that her name is Mikael. Mikael and Lisa go to play with the other kids and things seem fine. Lisa and Mikael even seem to have a cute little childhood romance thing goin' on - they even kiss (twice!).

Eventually, Jeanne finds out that her sister has been telling everyone she's a boy. However, after Mikael promises to take her out to meet his friends, she becomes his biggest ally. She talks about how great her big brother is and cuts his hair so their mom won't suspect anything. It's damn cute, really.

Here's Where It Gets Spoilerific: In defense of his little sister, Mikael gets into a fight with another boy. That boy's mother takes this up with Mikael's mom. Mikael's mother then forces him to wear a dress and  tell the boy he beat up and Lisa that he's actually a she. After this, Laure is found by the Lisa and the boys and Lisa checks to see which gender she really is.

The next scene is of Laure not wanting to go out. Her mother is asks if she wants to play with the other children and Laure is definitely not up for that idea. However, from her window, she sees Lisa, who gestures for her to come outside. Once there, Lisa asks what her real name is. Laure responds with her birth name and then smiles. The movie ends.

...What?

Scenes To Watch Out For: Jeanne telling another little girl about her super swell big brother. It's adorable.

Laure/Mikael's mom telling him that she's totally fine with him being a boy and that her forcing him to wear a dress and tell his friends so abruptly is a good idea. None of that seems like a lie or anything.

Anything Else: I can't really tell how I feel about the ending. On one hand, this could be a statement about gender fluidity. It could be saying that Laure learned to be comfortable as a boy and as a girl. However, due to how much Mikael liked being Mikael and wanted to hold onto that, I almost feel as though this little boy is being forced to be a girl at the end of the film just so he can be accepted. Due to the way the film just ended, I really cannot tell what was being said. (And this is why I just love, love, love French films.)


As an odd side note, the synopses for Tomboy each seem to tell a different story. IMDb claims that this is a movie about a little girl who gets mistaken as a boy and gets stuck in that misunderstanding, too embarrassed to correct anyone. On the other hand, Netflix says that Tomboy is about a girl who's uncomfortable as a female and decides to become Mikael. If that's not a weird difference, I don't know what is. 

Velvet Goldmine (1998)

Directed By: Todd Haynes


Starring: Christian Bale, Ewan McGregor, Jonathan Rhys Meyers


The Main Review: Velvet Goldmine was a 1998 film set in 1984 in which a British journalist, Arthur Stuart (Christian Bale), investigates the 1974 faked murder and subsequent disappearance of glam rock idol Brian Slade/Maxwell Demon (Jonathan Rhys Meyers) and tries to discover where the glitter star is. Intertwined with Blade's story, we get some of Arthur's, who was, himself, part of the glam rock movement and seemed to be at every important concert mentioned in the film. This film showcases some brilliant music and costumes, not to mention the absolutely stunning cast. And, of course, I have to point out that Brain Slade/Maxwell Demon looks so much like David Bowie/Ziggy Stardust. Along with that, Ewan McGregor plays a (mighty fine) glam rocker, Curt Wild, who seems to be a mix of Lou Reed and Iggy Pop. Placebo makes an appearance as well. Also, there's a spaceship.

Is it sad that this feels like the most straightforward film I've watched this week?

The first shot of this film is of a spaceship and then baby being found on a doorstep. The baby is Oscar Wilde. He has a mysterious green gem with him. Because that makes so much sense. A hundred years later, Jack Fairy - a soon-to-be glam rock idol but current schoolboy - finds the gem after being pushed down by some kids. Then - BAM! - change of scene. 1970s Glam Rock Time! We see Arthur and some of his glam-a-licious friends walking around and then the faked assassination of Maxwell Demon during a concert. Fast forward ten more years and we see that Arthur has now settled down to a life of journalism. He's asked to do a piece on Brian Slade's disappearance.


Arthur interviews Slade's first manager and then his ex-wife. We get bits and pieces of Slade's complex life and relationships. It's shown that Slade takes the green gem from Jack Fairy and then later gives it to Curt Wild, whom he produces for and sleeps with. Along with that, we see Arthur's past and his growing interest in glam rock. The film is very open with it's queerness, seeing as how all of its important male characters are gay or Eddie Izzard. 

Here's Where It Gets Spoilerific: We find out that Brian Slade is now Tommy Stone, new rock sensation (whose look seems rather similar to Bowie's in the '80s). Also, we find out that Arthur had sex with Curt Wild after the Death of Glitter concert. Arthur sees Wild again at the end of the film. It seems as if Wild doesn't remember him. However, Wild passes on the green gem to Arthur.


Scenes To Watch Out For: Curt Wild's first appearance. Oil, glitter, leather pants. Yes.

Baby's on Fire concert scene. Brian Slade performs a great service to Wild's guitar.

Curt Wild quoting some beautiful Oscar Wilde to Brian Slade during some odd circus ring press conference.


Arthur gettin' it on with Curt Wild. (Can you tell I'm just a tad bit into Curt Wild? Just a teensy bit.)


Anything Else: Now, I know what you're thinking: What is up with the green gem thing? What does that symbolize? I'm really not sure. I wanna just boil it down to "It's a gay thing" but I don't think it's that simple. I think, maybe, it's being open about your queer sexuality - seeing as Jack Fairy got it after being bullied and then, after finding it, seemed to have some nice optimistic moment. Slade stole it from Fairy when kissing him and then gave it to Wild after they'd had sex... I dunno. I'd love some input on this.  


David Bowie was supposed to supply the music for Velvet Goldmine but he looked at the script and decided he wanted no part of it. It's a shame, really, but I think the film did super without him. The soundtrack really is amazing.  


Cute little side story: When Ewan McGreggor and Christian Bale were filming their sex scene, Haynes cut without letting them know. He just let them continue to simulate the actions without saying anything. They must have looked like they needed a minute. (Ewan McGregor admits that he was really getting into it.)

Nude Nuns With Big Guns (2010)

Directed by: Joseph Guzman


Starrin: Asun Ortega, David Castro, Aycil Yeltan

The Main Review: With the brilliant tagline of "The Sister Is One Bad Mother!" Nude Nuns With Big Guns is a 2010 film about, well, a nun who is nude often and carries out holy retribution with a good number of large guns. Sister Sarah is drugged and abused by some corrupt priests, forced to package drugs with other fellow nuns, wearing only their habits. Later, the Sister is dragged to a brothel by Chavo - the leader of Los Muertos, a biker gang - where she is raped by clergymen. While close to death due to a lethal dose of dope, she has a vision of God, who tells her to exact vengeance on all who sin against Him. So, she gets some guns from the kindly witch doctor who saved her - Mr. Foo - and then kills him for being a witch doctor. Matched with a seventies/eighties exploitation feeling - with the occasional black-and-white or red-tinted shot, gratuitous nudity, and all the rape they could fit in between the nuns and the guns, Nude Nuns With Big Guns seems like a very good nunsploitation flick to watch with your Church bingo club.

Oh, yeah... Totally appropriate. 

A year later after our habit-ed heroine's religious vision, we see Sister Angelina who comes to warn a Father involved in the drug ring that a stranger has been offing other clergymen. We are shown of scene of Sister Sarah being a total badass, shooting up a local operation and saving Sister Angelina. We soon find out that Sarah and Angelina are lesbians. So, they're lesbian nuns. Way to go, movie. 


We then find out that Sarah and Angelina were caught in the throes of carnal pleasure with one another, which lead to their being forced into a life of drug packing and crime. And, throughout this all, we have an extraordinarily amount of shots taken place at a strip club and at least one rape scene. Chavo's gang are made aware of the threat to the drug ring and clergy. They eventually mobilize and start hunting down the Sister.


Here's Where It Gets Spoilerific: Honestly, it goes as you'd expect. There's some more lesbian action and lots of big guns. Sister Sarah kills loads of dudes (and some ladies). Sister Angelina gets picked up by Chavo's gang and is being raped by Chavo when Sister Sarah comes in and saves the day. Of course there's a set up for a sequel (with the scar-y and scary Brother John) that I really hope they make.


Scene To Watch Out For: Um... When Sister Angelina shoots off Chavo's penis? And, then they keep showing the dismembered... uh... member. 


Anything Else: I haven't heard anything about the sequel yet. I don't even know if they're planning on making one. Nude Nuns With Big Guns was subject to a really big copyright lawsuit so it seems that the film rights are a little iffy. Maybe that's why there's no mention of a sequel? Oh, well... Hopefully, they'll get that sorted so we can have more awesome nude nuns with their awesome big guns.

Kissing Jessica Stein (2001)

Directed by: Charles Herman-Wurmfeld


Starring: Jennifer Westfeldt, Heather Juergensen, Scott Cohen

The Main Review: Kissing Jessica Stein was a 2001 film in which a woman, Jessica Stein, decides to stop dating men and try dating a woman. She gets involved with the lovely Helen, who was also, until recently, only engaging in heterosexual relationships. The two of them pair up in what's supposed to be a sweet, quirky romantic comedy about straight girls going gay. Sounds adorable, right?

Yeah, not so much...

All of the men in Jessica's life before meeting Helen were unattractive, unintelligent, jerks and/or already taken. Her mother keeps trying to set Jessica up with other Jewish men that she just doesn't find herself attracted to. There are two conventionally attractive men shown in her life, one of them being her snarky, ex-writer, ex-boyfriend boss (Scott Cohen)  and the other being taken (John Hamm). It just kinda makes sense that she'd try dating in a different group, especially when they put such a charming and non-threatening personal ad in the paper.

There's a lot of middle stuff about painting and dating and being accepting of being gay (I mean, hey, this is a rom-com). What we find is that Helen and Jessica do have sex and, while Jessica isn't really used to it, she thinks it's good. So, Jessica and Helen do fall in love, do engage in physical intimacy and, by what seemed like the end of the movie, go to a wedding together as an open couple.

Of course, at the wedding, her jerk boss shows up a new, better man. He's started to do his bohemian writing thing, he offers her his coat when she's cold, and, being the only person at this point who doesn't know about Jessica and Helen, confesses his deep, romantic feelings to her. He's attractive, he's intelligent, he's nice (now) and he's very available. We can all see that Jessica is tempted, but she refuses his dinner invitation because she's with Helen. So, for that moment, the audience feels satisfied in Jessica and Helen's relationship and love for one another.

Here's Where It Gets Spoilerific: The movie doesn't end there. We see a cute little montage of Helen and Jessica moving in together and being a couple. Then, there are a few scenes of their relationship a few more months in. It appears that Jessica is avoiding - whether purposefully or not - having sex with Helen. In the very end, Helen breaks up with Jessica for not wanting to have more sex with her. Jessica is obviously distressed and tries to get Helen to stay, because, you know, she loves her.

Flash forward another few months, Jessica goes to a bookstore and finds her old boss there. They've, by this point, both quit their jobs and are working on their artistic careers. Of course, the two of them decide to see each other. Then, Jessica goes to have lunch with Helen - the two of them now just best friends. The movie ends and I leave with a displeased feeling in my stomach.

Scenes To Watch Out For: Helen trying to talk to Jessica about their sex life in public and Jessica trying to get her to stop. While Helen sees it as Jessica just not being open about their relationship, I see it as a basic desire to have privacy. But, obviously, wanting to have some privacy when it comes to sex makes you uptight.

The scene where Jessica is pleading through tears with Helen, asking her not to leave, saying she really loves her. And Helen saying they're just roommates.

Anything Else: For Christ's sake, this is supposed to be a rom-com. I was pretty sure that meant fun and light, with a happy ending. Maybe it's just my looser view of sexuality, but I was pretty sure that these two girls loved each other. The movie didn't go too far into their sex life, which is fine. However, it does mean that we have no idea what these two women tried when it comes to sex. I can't tell exactly how much effort they'd put in before Helen threw in the towel.

Also, I don't know if Jessica Stein being heterosexual in the end makes the movie sell better to the public. I think that might be why. The movie is fairly explicit - or at least more explicit - with showing heterosexual sex then the lesbian sex. In fact, the most lesbian action we see is some timid kissing between Jessica and Helen. However, Helen and one of her boyfriends are shown to be very intimate at times. I guess it's to give the heterosexual female viewers something they like, while also giving them the sense of being "adventurous" and "open-minded" because they watched a movie about "lesbians."