Zack and Miri Make a Porno (2008)

Directed By: Kevin Smith

Starring: Seth Rogan, Elizabeth Banks, Craig Robinson

The Main Review: Zack And Miri Make a Porno is a 2008 film that is basically as straightforward as it's title. Two roommates, Zack and Miri, who've known each other since elementary school, are faced with financial problems and the probability of getting evicted. They decide to make a porno to bring in some cash and become involved with some colorful characters, like Bubbles (played by the magnificent Traci Lords) and Lester the Molester Cockenschtuff (his porn name is Pete Jones). Doesn't that sound quirky and fun? I mean, how can you mess up a film about making porn? 

Maybe by sneakily making it a rom-com.

Zack and Miri are both in their late twenties and struggling to pay their bills. Zack works at a coffee shop while Miri works at a department store. On the night before their ten-year high school reunion, Miri is trying on clothes at the coffee shop. Two teenagers film her changing in her gigantic, granny panties and post it on the Internet. She becomes an instant hit  known as "Granny Panties."

Later, at the reunion, Miri is flirting shamelessly with Bobby Long, an old crush, while Zack gets acquainted with Bobby's boyfriend, Brandon. It turns out that Brandon is a gay porn star and, when he is introduced to Miri, he tells her about her current success as Granny Panties, which she had no idea about.

In the next few days, Zack and Miri's power, water, and heat are all shut off. While in a bar, trying to figure out what to do next, Zack thinks back to Brandon and suggests that they make a porn and sell it to people they went to high school with. Miri reluctantly accepts.

After much discussion, and getting Zack's coworker, Delaney, to produce the movie, they decide to created a porn parody called "Star Whores." They hire Bubbles, Lester, Stacey, Barry and a cameraman, Deacon, and get down to making their porno. However, the day they're about to start filming, the garage they were keeping all of their supplies in gets demolished. They have to start over from scratch and Zack, having a stroke of brilliance, decides that they'll film their porno at the coffee shop he works at and call it "Swallow My Cockuccino."

The filming goes well. However, when Zack and Miri are going to film their sex scene, they both seem a little apprehensive. They promise each other that it's just sex and their feelings towards each other won't change afterwords. 

Here's Where It Gets Spoilerific: Zack and Miri have very romantic and intimate sex. They both seem to develop a deep, sudden love for each other. 

Zack and Miri's porno friends pay the bills for that month in an effort to thank them for casting them in their porn. They throw a pre-wrap party. Stacey asks Miri if it's okay that she has sex with Zack. Miri, who seems totally not okay with it, tells her to talk to Zack. Zack seems to accept Stacey and they go off together. 

The next night, Miri is supposed to film her scene with Lester, but Zack gives that scene away to Stacey. Zack tries to talk to Miri about their recent love-making. He tells her he loves her but she's just pissed that he slept with Stacey. He tells her that he didn't actually sleep with Stacey and Miri becomes remorseful and seems interested in being with Zack. However, he leaves before she can say anything.

Three months later, Zack is working at a carnival. Delaney finds him and shows him what they have of the porn. He shows him the scene between Miri and Zack - which would truly be a boring porno scene if it were ever released. He tells Zack that 'the movie still needs an ending.' Zack goes to Miri and professes his love to her. She reciprocates his feelings and everyone is happy. The end.

Scenes To Watch Out For: When Stacey is doing anal with Lester. Just, uh... Close your eyes when Zack comes into the shot.

"Zack and Miri Make YOUR Porno" epilogue.

Anything Else: Um, yeah... Was it just me or did the whole romantic thing between Miri and Zack just come outta nowhere? I just figured they were buds. But, oh, I forgot. Heterosexual men and women can't be  just buds, can they?

I'm not being totally fair. This movie was fun, for the most part, and funny. The acting and writing were both good. I just wasn't prepared for the romance. So, I bet if you know about that going in, you can prepare yourself for it and enjoy the movie quite thoroughly. I mean, I'd hope so.

Not of This Earth (1988)

Directed by: Jim Wynorsky

Starring: Traci Lords, Arthur Roberts, Lenny Juliano

The Main Review: Not of This Earth is a 1988 remake of a 1957 film. This one has Traci Lords in it - so you know it has to be good. The basic idea is that, from a distant, war-ridden planet, a race of vampiric aliens send a suited, shade-wearing man-alien. This alien, Mr. Johnson, asks Nadine Story (Traci Lords) to be his personal nurse and help him with blood transfusions. We learn that his mission is to sample and collect human blood (from busty, half-naked blondes). And believe me - there are quite a lot of busty, half-naked blondes in this movie.

And some of the most obnoxious hookers in film history.

The movie starts with your typical guy-and-girl-getting-it-on-in-a-car situation that was, of course, interrupted by Mr. Johnson landing on earth and then killing the two of them with his evil, glow-y eyes that seem to suck out life-force or something. We then get one of the best opening credit sequences I've seen in a long time.

Mr. Johnson, after about a month on Earth, goes into a clinic for a transfusion. Nadine is the on-duty nurse when he comes in. He and she argue about blood samples. He explains that he will not submit to a blood test and just wants a transfusion while she explains that that is impossible. Doctor Rochelle speaks with Mr. Johnson, who shows him that he has very little blood in his veins and then uses his mind control to make sure Rochelle will tell no one. Nadine is appointed as Johnson's personal nurse; her job being to help him with a blood transfusion twice a day.

Dr. Rochelle talks to Mr. Johnson and it's explained that Johnson has a problem with his blood. All of it "evaporates" out of his body and if he doesn't continue the transfusions, it'll all turn to dust and he'll die.

Mr. Johnson is in contact with an alien who looks like he should be at a ZZ Top concert. Apparently, Mr. Johnson needs to send a human over to Divana, the planet he's from, all while continuing the blood transfusions (to make sure the blood doesn't kill him). 

Mr. Johnson kills a whole bunch of women and drains their blood. He sends this blood back to Divana. When a Birthday Girl Stripper shows up at his house, he mind controls her and sends her to Divana as well. And, all throughout this, Nadine is engaging in witty banter with Jeremy and going on dates with her cop boyfriend and wearing revealing clothing.

Here's Where It Gets Spoilerific: Another vampire-alien comes over from Divana (this time the alien's a busty, half-naked blonde, would you believe it?) and tells Mr. Johnson that the human he sent to Divana was killed when she arrived. Mr. Johnson sneaks the alien woman into Dr. Rochelle's office and gives her a blood transfusion. However, the blood he uses is from someone who was bitten by a rabid dog. This blood drives her crazy and kills her. Dr. Rochelle finds her (she dies in his office) and realizes that her blood was all evaporated.

At the same time, Nadine and Jeremy discover that Mr. Johnson is an evil alien. They confront him. Johnson kills Jeremy and Nadine runs off into the woods. All the while, her cop boyfriend and Rochelle are inspecting the dead alien and trying to figure out what's going on. Nadine makes it to a pay phone and calls her boyfriend, telling him to come get her. Mr. Johnson keeps trying to use his mind control on her. When he finally succeeds, he tells her to go back to his house and get into the transporter so she can be shipped to Divana. 

Nadine's boyfriend follows Mr. Johnson around by motorcycle and, finally, puts on his sirens. The high-pitched sounds cause Mr. Johnson to freak out and he drives his car off a bridge and dies. Nadine and Dr. Rochelle are released from Mr. Johnson's mind control.

Later, Nadine and her boyfriend are at Mr. Johnson's grave discussing if he was a good man or not. As they leave, another suited, shade-wearing man-alien shows up and the movie ends. The End...?

Scenes To Watch Out For: Those opening credits are hilarious. They have absolutely nothing to do with the rest of the film. It's brilliant. 

Anything Else: I think it's hilarious that the subtitle for this film is "Traci Lords is... Not of This Earth" when she's actually the main human character in this film.